I Miscarried a Dream

I don't usually place too much importance on the dreams I have in sleep. The reason being that I am a lucid dreamer, I am always aware that I am dreaming. Even as a child, whenever monsters would invade my dreams, I would simply change the channel. As I got older changing the channel from one unpleasant dream to a more pleasant one became lame and I would often be a one woman army in whatever monster dream my brain kicked up. The ironic part is that my dreams are so vivid and realistic that I even feel pain, yet I am always aware of it not being real. When some odd occurrence keeps happening in various dreams, I get curious as to what that one thing could mean.

Last week, I had a dream. It would have been a nightmare, if I wasn't aware of my dreaming state. In my dream, I am held captive by a monster. I am waiting for my husband to come get me. I can't say rescue me because I am always the baddest b in dream land. But yet I wait for my husband to appear. Now for me the unpleasant part starts when my husband shows up and he looks like my ex. I remember thinking at this point "God, Why are you in my dream?" I don't wake myself up or change the channel just out of curiosity. So I am escaping with my husband that looks like my ex all while being very careful not to hurt myself. Which is very odd, because I am usually such a bad ass. So in our escape from the demon's lair. We reach a point where I must jump down to get away then my ex beside me tells me to jump quickly. Then my dream self stares at my husband/ex. While he urges me to make a jump that wouldn't hurt me anyway but his lack of care strikes a nerves. Then I say quite clearly, "You are not my husband." At this point he looks at me and says, "Yes I am. Now hurry and jump before the demon finds out you're missing." I don't move, and respond, "No, you're not. How could you be my husband when you have no concern for the wife that has been threatening a miscarriage."  My ex doesn't respond, but he smiles. Smiles right before turning into the demon that captured me. The rest of the dream is of this demon trying to catch me.

When I told my sister of this dream, she thought it was scary as hell. She really does think of my ex as a monster that was out to destroy me. She always brings up the fact that immediately after breaking up with my ex, my life got way better. Job offers in my career. Making more money. It's very clear that if the sky should fall and I completely forget all the wisdom I have gained, my sister will be the loudest voice in reminding of all the good reasons my life is better without my ex. I was shocked that she would think of my dream as so scary when I definitely didn't.  Something in the dream made me a bit curious though. There was one aspect in my dream that was present in others before while I was still dating my ex. That aspect is miscarriage.

In other dreams, I would wake up in a bed with my ex laying next to me from severe cramps and blood in between my legs with a deep sense of loss. In my last dream, I didn't have a miscarriage but I was fighting against the demon to keep my pregnancy and right before waking I was carrying my baby on my back while escaping with my real husband. It was this aspect of miscarriage that had me looking up the meaning of miscarriage in dreams. After looking it up, I now know why my dream was so horrifying to my sister.

If pregnancy in dreams represents creativity, what does a miscarriage mean? I looked it up, miscarriage in dreams is the loss of something precious like a relationship, opportunity or a creative idea that never reached fruition. This specifically applies to me, because anyone that knows me will say I am a very creative person but for the last few years what have I actually created. What had I accomplished towards my career while I was so focused on being with my ex? The answer is nothing. I didn't start to put all my energy into my dreams until after "I got rid of the parasite that was sucking the life out of me" as my lovely sister would say.

So I plan to protect my dreams like a mother protecting her child. Passionately and tirelessly from those that would make me lose them. I am not so young that I can afford to miscarry any  more dreams.

Response to online Soapbox Preachers

It's been awhile and I have been sporadic with my blogs. I apologize especially since my New Years Resolution was to write everyday. I have been writing and I have a few projects that I am working on that make it hard for me to keep up with the blog. Plus I don't won't all the drama of the work place to find it's way on here. That would not be very good.

This morning while checking Facebook, I see an acquaintance's status that is practically a dissertation on how women should be treating their men. This wouldn't really annoy me if this was not a constant theme of his. I almost got real ugly and post a comment asking, "If you're so great and you know how to treat a woman, why are you still single?" I admit there were a few statuses in the past that I was ok with, but now this seems like a bitter man that can't find a woman that will treat him the way he feels he deserves. And out of his bitterness, he feels it's necessary to get on his online soapbox and preach about how women aren't doing their part and need to do this or that. This pisses me off.

I hate the fact that everything he says targets women directly, and it would come off edifying if there weren't so many quips at women. Anyone who reads my blog, can tell I recently ended serious relationship. Rather than focusing on what my ex did wrong, I examined my faults because I was also accountable. I didn't stand my ground when I should have, I didn't leave when the signs said it clearly to everyone else that I should. I explained how his actions changed me and helped me grow. I didn't get on my soapbox and start telling men what they are doing wrong and how they really need to treat the women they say they love. I really don't care about wrongdoings to that extent.

I feel when people address the root of their problems, the way they treat others, especially their love ones, will be corrected.  It's a personal journey I had to take myself, so why would I tell people about their wrong decisions and try to correct their behavior through nagging. We all know nagging accomplishes nothing.  It doesn't even work on children. So why would nagging work on adults.  The only animal that you can train is a dog. You can show a dog what to do.  Then with words and reinforcement, they are trained to respond just to a word, phrase or tone.  Humans don't work that way. Humans can clearly know something is wrong and still do it. So knowing something is wrong changes nothing in people's behavior. Humans must see the fault, examine it and understand its origin before they can change.  

Is the Gay Rights movement leading to Religious Persecution?

I had to think about this for such a long time before actually sitting here and writing this. I would be wrong if I didn’t say there was a little fear of the public reaction to it, but I have some thoughts that I really need to share and also get some real feed back on. This is the internet so I am sure there will be ignorance and hate that will be started because of this, but this is obviously something that needs to be thought about.  In recent years, there has been a lot of debate on legalizing gay marriage. In more recent news the CEO of a well known Christian restaurant chain was asked his opinion on Gay marriage.  The public’s reaction to the obvious answer has raised more questions to a national dilemma.  Where is this leading our society?  Could religious persecution be next?

I have read the reasons behind the Gay Rights movement. As an American citizen I do understand the appearance of their rights being infringed upon.  I read about wills being discarded, custody being taken away, the health insurance and many others. But reading the poignant stories, I ask how are these situations unique to the Gay community?

Everyone knows about the dispute between Anna Nicole Smith and her step son, over her husband’s will. The custody battles over a deceased partner’s kids with their family is nothing new either.  No matter who you are, most people feel more comfortable when their blood is being raised by blood (we have all heard the scary step-parent stories). There have even been times when family has interceded to take custody away from biological parents when the parents are seen as unfit.  So on these stories, I don’t see anything particularly unique. It’s just one American using his right to question another American’s right to an estate or custody of their sister’s kids.  On the health insurance thing, now that is something that is unique.  I don’t understand why you can’t add whoever you want to an insurance you are PAYING for.  As a consumer in a Capitalist society, this really doesn’t make sense, even without bringing gay rights into it.

Now let’s look at the opposition.  What are all these bible thumpers against? As a Christian myself, I have been very confused on the gay rights issue.  I do not like the unfairness that homosexual people have to face, but I also do not agree with the lifestyle or the tactics that are being used either.  I feel like this is a pill that I am being forced to swallow.  Why is it ok for people to flaunt in my face something that I think is wrong, but I am not able to say that I think it is wrong? 

The only things I can’t have an opinion about are the things that I don’t know about.  My mom raised me a certain way. I know that if I do something that she does not agree with, once she knows about it, she will tell me her opinion.  That also means that things that I don’t want her opinion on, I keep from her knowledge.  It’s the same for almost every one I know and have met. As soon as they see something they don’t agree with, you know it. Smoking is wrong. Drinking is wrong. Sex before marriage is wrong. Wearing fur is wrong. Homosexuality is wrong. Abortion is wrong.

However I am starting to see a train of thought that is tainting everyone’s actions and reactions.  “Drinking is wrong. John drinks. Therefore John is bad.”  The thought that people are judging them when they are told something they are doing is wrong, makes it obvious that if you don’t want to seem judgmental, keep your opinion to yourself. Honestly speaking, for the most part, that is true.  No one is perfect but we like to weigh our wrongness against the wrongness of others. It makes us feel better about ourselves.  I may be “this”, but at least I’m not “that”.  Unfortunately, it’s the imperfect “Christians” that are the loudest to point out someone else’s wrong.  The saddest thing is that they are less forgiving of gay people than they are of murderers, thieves, prostitutes and gangsters.

I have to admit that before I read on the Gay rights movement, I was taking a rigid standpoint. I saw only the fact that all the flamboyant people want to force me to accept something as right that my religious beliefs say is wrong.  The tactics of the Gay rights movement had me on the defensive.  Like I had to not only protect my beliefs, I had to assert them.  In spite of the fact that I have associates and people that I highly respect that are gay, I was rigid about it.  Never had a discussion with them about it because I know we would disagree and I didn’t want heated words to ruin those relationships. Fortunately these people were discreet about it. I know they are gay and they know I know.  It’s not to the point of cross dressing. It never becomes a point of discussion, because their discretion makes it obvious that I am not privy to their personal business.  I respect them more for that because I feel their respect for me.

However not everyone is as respectful of other’s decisions and opinions. So with the Gay Right movement in full swing, does anyone else feel that America is only a few Radicals away from religious persecution?

An Unusual Hindsight

This is an usual topic. We all accept things about a person after we have taken off the rose colored glasses.  But some of the things we start to accept after it’s over can be scary and alarming.  We look back at them, then look at ourselves and think, “Was I really that stupid?” And the sad part is that the answer is often “yes.”  A few days ago while helping a friend out by giving a massage, I was asked if I had ever given my ex one (according to him I should be charging).  When I replied “No.” I was asked “Why not?”

There were a lot of things I wanted to do that I didn’t do with my ex.  The reasons behind me not doing could be any number of things. But that was not the focus of this conversation with my friend. It was not even a few minutes later that he asked a question, that I now realized he had asked me before.  The question rephrased this time was, “How shocked would you be to discover that your ex was sleeping with men?”

I replied right then and there that I would have been very shocked. It was impossible that my ex was gay.  When I got alone and thought about all the other questions this same friend had asked. I realized that each time I thought better of my ex, it turned out I was wrong.  He asked me if I thought my ex was thinking about proposing, I said “yes.” I was wrong. He asked if it was possible that my ex was cheating, I said “no.” I was wrong. There were plenty of other questions too and I was wrong then as well.  So when I got alone and thought about it. I had to admit that I wanted to judge everyone by a better standard than is realistic. The fact that this friend has met my ex and asked this same question before I have to think it’s possible he saw things that I didn’t want to examine.  He definitely called the cheating.

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that it is possible.  I am done thinking the best of people when they have proven otherwise. It’s time I label their box correctly. So yes, hindsight now says that all the bad and inconceivable things I refused to consider before are now possible.

Soul Ties

I have heard this term quite often growing up. It was usually preceded by the word “unholy” and my mom’s go-to reason for not having sex before marriage.  She always said sex before marriage creates unholy soul ties.  These soul ties were things to be avoided at all costs. You never know what bad things another person is carrying in their spirit until you have to carry it yourself all because you opened yourself up to them. Now this soul tying has a different meaning to me that goes beyond the left over lust you may have for a person you’ve slept with.

Have you ever placed  someone at center the of your spirit?  It wouldn’t be too far off to say that your world revolved around them.  You practically live, sleep, eat and breath them.  You pray for them. You pray for their happiness. You pray for their well being. You pray for their increase. You also pray for your relationship with them. You pray for your patience with them. You pray for understanding. You pray all the prayers that should help you and that person be together.

When you’re not praying for them, you are bending over backwards just to make certain they know how much you love them.  Trying to be a well of happiness, peace and love that they can draw strength from to face another day in the harsh world.  Even while trying to be their everything, it’s not to the point where you have completely lost yourself in them. You have a sense of self. It’s just a self that has been wrapped around another person. 

This is a person you carry in your spirit. It goes beyond mental obsession and physical lust.  Even when the body stops longing and the mind admonishes against the very thought of them, your spirit still holds onto them.  There is no emptiness.  There is just yearning.  You yearn for the day that they take up less space in your spirit so there will be room for someone else. Someone that you can have a future with.

Would you take him back?

It’s been a few months since the end of my relationship. A mysterious package in the mail (that turned out to be from my LS), had today’s topic be what would I do if my ex showed up and wanted to get back with me.  To the extent of “the professor” giving a very in-depth scenario of what he would do to make me feel special if he was my ex and was trying to win me back.  Honestly the things “the professor” said he would do brought tears to my eyes. This stuff were the things women dream of. Just the ticket and if my ex had done these things for me, it would have taken me a LOT longer before realizing he didn’t love me. “The professor” was of the opinion, that I would cave in only a few days.  I, of course, was of the opposite opinion.

Most men would say I am either being stubborn, playing hard to get, or trying to make him suffer. If I was still in the healing phase, one of those answers would be true. I will be honest that one of those answers would have been true all the way up to last week. Right up until I wrote my last blog. The difference between now and last week is one simple epiphany.  The epiphany was that he DID CARE for me.  It’s confusing I know.  During the last 6 months of our relationship, I had started to convince myself that he just didn’t care about me. That I was just a time filler. When the things came out as they did, I didn’t need to convince myself. I knew it. So if he did show up and started to show me he cared, I would have been skeptical, stubborn, but moved.  I would have eventually went back to him, just for the cycle to continue. So what event caused this realization?

I was at the book store last Monday with my best friend.  He has been reading Steve Harvey’s "Think Like a Man, Act like a Lady” at the book store rather than buying it himself. He was telling me that majority of the stuff in the book was real. Not all of it, but at least 90%. This may be a shocker. But, I had never read this book. Honestly I have never even had the desire to read it. But when my friend got a phone call and set it down, I picked it up out of curiosity and boredom.  I didn’t read it all. Just skimmed through. I read one section about the signs of how a man shows he cares.  Reading it, I grudgingly accepted that my ex did care for me.  I didn’t want to because that made me feel worse.  He cared, but we still didn’t work out.  I still was unsatisfied in our relationship.

So why does knowing he cared changes my reaction to him showing up and showing he cares?  Because I have no doubt that he cared for me, it’s simply not enough. It’s not what I want. I want someone who LOVES me. Not someone who CARES. Even if one day he wakes up to the knowledge that he lost something great, the only thing he can do is look for someone greater than me and do things right with her.  Sorry people but the harsh reality is this, some things are irreparable. So with that in mind, I hope everyone starts living life like there IS a tomorrow and one that you want to ENJOY.

If you are in a relationship that is unfulfilled, what are the reasons that would cause you to leave and not look back?  Take away all thoughts of love that you have for that person, your feelings are obviously what keeps you there. What are they doing to keep you or make you want to leave? What circumstances would make you take someone back after you have broken up? Is there something he/she could do to give them another chance?

Caring is not Love

I am out of my first serious relationship. My best Friend is always good to tell me, no matter how much it frustrates me, that no one ends up with their first love. He truly believes that first loves are a learning experience that teaches you what you can and can't live with. Although I do agree that dating does teach people what they won't accept in a mate, I am totally against the idea that no one ends up with their first love. I don't like this for a reason to why things don't work out. I would rather hear "It wasn't in God's will,"  before "First loves never work out." Too many place too many hopes on their first love if it is to be debased into something insignificant to get out of the way so you can get to better experiences in love and finally happy ever after. But this is where I get to the crux of my problem.

Before first love, "happy ever after" seems possible. After first love, "happy enough" is what we hope for. Call me a pessimist if necessary, but I can't seem to reconcile the idea of people in general with even the idea of being happy enough. This ties into one of my earlier blogs about when love may not be enough.  I watch people. I observed the lengths that people will go to justify their selfishness. I have seen people who call themselves christians, and profess so proudly that they love the lord, give all types of excuses as to why they can't do the things that are pleasing to God. I have been guilty of this myself. I didn't even see the selfishness of my ways until God revealed it to me. Although my relationship with my ex was not ideal and didn't have the ideal end, I am eternally grateful to the experience because I have a clearer understanding of the differences between Love and caring.  We can all attest to what love isn't. We know it when we see it. We know how love shouldn't look. But how many people can tell you the signs of love? Not the fake sense of caring, but LOVE. I prayed a very simple prayer and the wisdom and knowledge gained from it is immeasurable. I prayed for God to show me what love is, and He did.

I seemed to never get my ex to understand during the course of our relationship, that doing the things he was willing to do already, were not enough for me.  Through this constant struggle with him to do the things that were pleasing to me, made me understand that Love is selfless. It's not about what we want to give to the other, but about about what that person wants to be given. We understand that we are two different people with two different sets of wants and desires.  Even when I would tell him verbally, that its nice to feel the caring from the things he was willing to do, I would only feel the love when he started to do the things that I had said I wanted.  That doesn't mean that caring is not important, but it should be a precursor to the things done in love.

If I were to write down what I needed from a man to know I am loved, it would be a lot simple things that are simple to do. But people's unwillingness make it hard. And that's the biggest reason, why I can't even seem to hope for love with a man on this earth. I know plenty of people who can't even seem to commit themselves to loving God, their own creator, provider, and protector. So how can I begin to expect them to be able to love me? I know I am not greater than God, and I know my imperfect self will struggle to be able to love in the way God loves, but at least I am willing. But there are many that will give excuses to cover up their unwillingness. When I had a conversation with my ex about why he was unable to fulfill my needs, I asked profound questions that all people who say they love God but are not doing the things that are pleasing to Him should ask. I asked when does his reasons turn into excuses? When does it stop being unable and start being unwilling?

God revealed the simple, hard truth. It was always an excuse. He was always unwilling. The only thing that is a reason for a person not doing what they need to is ignorance. The simple, "I didn't know," is a frustrating but valid excuse in the beginning. But even that becomes an excuse after a certain point. There were things that he didn't know at the beginning of our relationship, but once made aware he did them. There were no excuses, he just did them. But when I begin to notice the other things I needed for progress went unaddressed, I would get excuses. Of course at the time these sound like valid reasons, but as time went by and no improvement, discontent settles in. I am not saying that a person will do things perfectly as soon as they are made aware, but you will see the attempts.  If no attempts, even clumsy ones, are made then you should know right then to run not walk. And even if a a clumsy one is not corrected, you should run. No one that loves you will give you crap and think that's enough. They will find a way to make it better.  "At least I tried," does not count as love. It just says, I cared enough to try, but not enough to do it right.

Look at the disaster of a love confession I received from my ex. I will say now, yes, he tried to please me. He made an awful first attempt and I told him as much. Maybe, I was too blunt or maybe he thought it was unnecessary for me to say that his love confession was unacceptable. But I told him that so he can learn and try again.  If I never spoke up, I would have been stuck with the crappy love confession after I had nagged him about making it verbal. I told him, needing and fully expecting that he would try again. He never did, he just kept throwing those empty, "I love you's" at me, to the point that I got sick from hearing them come out his mouth. I even stopped saying "I love you" to him, just so I wouldn't hear him say it in return. Did I stop loving him? No, my feelings were not dependent on how he felt for me. This event just caused me to put our relationship under the magnifying glass.  It caused me to see other things without the rose colored glasses.  This was definitely the beginning of my heartbreak, even though we didn't break up until almost a year later.


It took a while for me to accept that although my ex "cared" for me, he didn't "love" me. I did accept it, but even after accepting it, it still took a while before I ended it.  The end happened when I knew my love was wasted on him. It didn't stop me from loving. It just stopped me from showing. Ever heard "Don't cast pearls before Swine"? It is the best adage for relationships. Never give something valuable to someone who won't treasure it. And although Care is a good place to start, it will never be enough. And so I look at the caring people around me. I know they care, and that their caring is sincere. But it's not love. I want love.  I am a loving person. I will only be satisfied with another loving person. Unfortunately, there are not enough loving people in the world.

Who am I the villain to?

These past few days I have been thinking about my ex. The good memories I have of him are forever tainted and his position as the “villain” of my past has been permanently established.  He will always be remembered by me as the selfish one who broke my heart. Even though I can’t put all the blame on him, he still carries responsibility for his actions. He was so wrapped up in himself that he either never stopped to think how his actions might affect me, or just didn’t care. This made me wonder about my actions towards others in my past, if I treated someone so selfishly that I am the villain in their past. I don’t think I have ever been so selfish and careless that I would be the villain. But there is one person that comes to mind that it’s possible. There is Drew.

I only have good memories of Drew, but thinking back, he may not have some good memories of me. Drew was a nice guy. He was attractive, into the same things that I liked (anime, pokemon, etc.), and most importantly he was so into me. I mean, Drew would practically do whatever I wanted, he liked me so much. Even though I was honest about my lukewarm feelings towards him, he continued to chase me. Drew was so eager to get my lukewarm feelings to the boiling point that he really started to put things into over drive. It was as if his life started to revolve around me. I admit even though I was a bit concerned by his devotion, I enjoyed soaking up his attention. Drew could always be relied on to boost my ego.

I met Drew after a very traumatic experience in my life. Drew really helped to make me feel good about myself when I hated looking at myself in the mirror. He looked at me as if the sun rose and set out of my behind.  I enjoyed going places with him because it was very apparent that he was over the top proud to have me on his arm. It felt great. But I had no desire or intention of ever returning Drew’s affection the way he wanted. Even though I was honest about my feelings, I always seemed to be dangling a carrot out for him to chase after. I admit I was selfish. I was concerned about his strong attachment to me, but I didn’t care about how my careless attitude towards him would affect him. I was only focused on how he made me feel about ME. But I have to thank God for my mother. She holds us all accountable for our actions towards ourselves and others.

I remember the conversation with my mom that made me cut Drew loose.  I was making plans to hang out with Drew on the phone. My mom was listening as we were making these plans.  When I got off the phone, my mom didn’t pull any punches or even segue into her comment. As I was walking to the fridge to grab myself a popsicle, she said quite calmly, “You know you’re no good for that boy.” If anyone ever wants to know where I get my bluntness from, it’s from my mom and no other. She has a way of bringing up a thought from weeks ago, without any forewarning, throwing a monkey wrench into whatever thoughts you’ve been throwing around. My mom is the ultimate “Mind Ninja.”

So imagine carefree me looking forward to my next outing with Drew when my mom tells me I am “no good.” I am not paraphrasing. She really called me “No good.” So when I asked her to explain why I’m “no good.” She explained in her observation voice, that it was clear that Drew wanted much more than I was going to give and that I was stringing him along. I tried to defend myself by saying, I couldn’t be stringing him along because I was honest about my feelings towards him. In her mom voice, she explains that my words and actions were confusing him.

I was saying I didn’t want his affections, but I was allowing him to show his affections towards me. By allowing him to express his affections, I was giving him hope that he could change my mind. By dangling the carrot in front of him, he would think that if he worked hard enough, he could catch me. She told me, it will break his poor little heart after he has put so much work in and still doesn’t get me AND on top of that I would be the cold heartless woman that used him.  Now this description of who I would be if I continued to play with Drew’s emotions thoroughly upset me. I started to weigh my actions because I didn’t want to be cold, heartless and callous towards Drew because I truly liked him. Just not in the way he wanted.

I remember after accepting that my actions have been careless towards Drew, I still wanted to try to keep him as a friend. I asked my mom if I could keep him as just a friend. My mom said be a true friend and cut him loose. It would be too easy to fall back into the already established pattern of him trying to gain my affections, no matter how careful I was. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to this very day with someone. Telling him that I had to end our dealings with each other because I was looking out for him didn’t make much sense to him. It took a little while before he realized that I meant what I had said. He stopped trying to reach me, and I hoped I only bruised his ego.

Now I look back on that situation with different eyes, eyes that have seen first hand how cruel it is string someone along. I had recognized the wisdom of my mother’s words even then. Which is why I decided to be a true friend to Drew and protect his heart from me. I hope and pray that I succeeded. I could say that I did it purely to protect his heart and I did want to protect his heart. But the true reason I did it, is because I didn’t want to be the “villain” that can give such ugly scars to the heart of a person that I say I care about.  I wanted to truly care, not careless, careful.

Unmarried with Kids

Let me just give you a bit of how this subject came up for me. It wasn't a profound conversation that I had with a colleague or friend. But from thinking of someone I haven't spoken to in a while. It seems the older I get, more and more of my friends are starting to have kids. One of my best friends just had a beautiful bundle of joy, and as I was about to call her to check up on my God-daughter, I started to think about another one of my friends I hadn't spoken to in a while, Tiny. I was thinking about sending her a text saying, "I am still waiting on my wedding invitation." This being an on-going joke between her and myself since she first told me, that she and her fiancée were trying to have a child but were not going to get married first. Being the old-fashioned girl that I am, I had deep reservations, told her so and started joking about having a shot gun wedding. This being my second friend who decided to have kids now and get married later, I was noticing a trend. A trend that, I for one am sorry to see, is catching. There are plenty of people that don't believe in marriage, but still want to have kids. Or the women who just can't wait for marriage to have kids. Or the couples that put off marriage until after the kids. I really just don't understand.

When I think about the reservations a person may have about marriage, I wonder how is it that they can get pass that fear and have kids. It's still a lifelong commitment. You're still going to have to deal with the mother/father of your child. So how is marriage more of a commitment than bringing another life into this world that will need to be nurtured? I'm just saying. It doesn't add up to me. Maybe because I am a woman. And as one, I feel that a woman is honored when she becomes a man's wife. It's a title that men will not give to just anyone. It's like men are saying "You are my treasure, and I want to keep you for myself," when they ask a woman to be their wife. I can understand why a man would not want to get married but still have kids, I just don't understand how a woman can do that. It's like my mom says (and probably every other mother), "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"

This question leads me into my wonder at why an engaged couple would choose to have a child first before marriage. I have been told that its because there is no money. Last time I check the cost of raising a child is up to millions of dollars. Where as a courthouse wedding is only the cost of the marriage licence, which is hardly breaking the bank. It costs more in this economy to fill up your tank with gas. So if you're putting off getting married until you can save up for your dream wedding, it will probably take longer than you expect because like I said earlier, babies aren't cheap. In fact, I have a new logo on that. BBB Babies Break the Bank.

I wonder how many other couples out there are deciding to become parents first and married later. What reasons are they giving themselves that make this the better solution? Why is raising kids less scary than saying "I do."? Is it selfishness or insightful? And if you think it's better to raise kids out of wedlock, do you believe in God? Not trying to condemn anyone's lifestyle choices, but where is the accountability? I can trust you to be a good father of my child but I can't trust you as a husband. 

Why I moved on

I learned some very painful lessons with my first love. I learned that just because I love him doesn’t mean he loves me. I learned that I shouldn’t judge everyone by my own standard. Meaning because I won’t cheat doesn’t mean he won’t either. Maybe the most painful lesson of all is recognizing that while I was planning a future around him, he was planning a future for himself without me. But I think the most important and final lesson that people must learn once a relationship is over is not letting go, but moving on.

We hear a lot of things as women that causes us to be able to carry a torch for years after we are no longer a thought in their heads. Sayings like “Let it go and if it comes back, its yours,” serve to make it hard for women to move on. We let things go and in the back of our heads keep looking for signs of its return. Anyone can tell you that it’s impossible to move forward if you are looking back. So the most important and the hardest lesson is moving on.

This is necessary for your life and for your future love. In order for you to be open to anyone that will want to be with you in the future, you must completely close the door of your relationship and move on. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to throw yourself back into the dating pool or walk into someone else’s arms, in fact, I advise against that. If you’re like me, you may have sustained some pretty bad emotional wounds and they take time to heal even after you moved on. You owe it to yourself and your future spouse to take the time to heal to prevent any future harm. You will have scars but it’s a closed wound, not open and bleeding into your future relationship. I bet you’re wondering what’s the difference between letting go and moving on. I can give you the difference as my heart began to learn it and my head began to make sense of it.

My relationship had a lot of problems and dissatisfaction. If you’ve been following my blog you have a pretty good idea of what went wrong. I admit, I broke up with my ex, but I hadn’t let go when I broke up with him. I still had expectations from him. I expected him to try to correct the wrong he did. And even though I knew he couldn’t correct it, I at least expected for him to allow me to expend all my frustration and pain from his betrayal on him at least. I think I really began to let go when I received a potted butterfly orchid, my favorite flower, from him.

The thing is, I have been mentioning this flower for about a year and a half, along with other non too subtle things I wanted him to do. I even found myself checking my mail box in case he finally decided to write me the love letter that I have been wanting for ages. I waited a week before I checked the mail. Honestly I was expecting my mail box to be filled with lovely handwritten letters. So imagine how I felt when I received my favorite flower, ordered offline, with some typed note in it (I don’t think I even know what his handwriting looks like). I can’t even remember what it said. It probably said “Sorry.” So much for effort and sincerity. When I saw this, I let go. I knew then that I could wait for the rest of my life and he would never give me what I truly wanted, just the things he was willing to give. Can you imagine that even knowing this, I still had not moved on. Why? The answer is quite simple. I love him and I still wanted to be with him. So what event caused me to move on?

Well, my ex always seem to have these periodic M.I.A. moments. Things are going along fine and bam! I can’t reach him, and he hasn’t called.  I often believed it was technical issues, but after recent events I am not so sure anymore. So imagine my reaction when he pulled yet another M.I.A. Since he had lowered my expectations for him so far I didn’t try too hard to reach him. About fours days after we last spoke, he finally sent a text saying that some things had happened on his end and he was taking time to pray about things. I was a bit angry, but that cooled quickly. I just didn’t care anymore. His excuses meant nothing to me. I was really finish. My friend Tre said, “It’s true that when a women is finished with you she just doesn’t care anymore.” My response was, “If he wanted my care and concern, he would have given me something to care about.” The message probably took less than a minute to type and it could have been sent four days ago. I didn’t respond or call him ever since then.

The day before he sent the message, I had already moved on. I even sent him a message the day before he text me. Reading it, it doesn’t seem like a good bye message. It doesn’t even have a farewell in it. Just a few lines of gratitude for the lessons in love I learned from him.  I had already realized that I wanted something better and I wanted it more than I wanted him. So when he disappeared yet again, I moved on. Thinking of the future I would have if I stayed with him turned me away. How could I not expect for him to do this even with kids? He has not changed in the three years I’ve known him, why should I expect for him to change in the future? What can I say to my kids when their father just decides not to come home one day? What would I say when they look at me and ask, “Where’s daddy?” This is why I moved on. I had stopped looking at him as a lover and started to look at him as a possible husband and father of my kids. When I started to evaluate him for the future I really wanted to build, he came up severely lacking.  Even though I loved him and wanted to be with him, the life I wanted to have with him was not possible.  He can not be that man. So I moved on.

I learned the difference between letting go and moving on.  You can let go of someone and forever after hope for his return to you. Moving on is just that, Moving on. Not looking back, not hoping for his return. Not hoping for him to FINALLY realize what you could have together if he just gets his act together. You completely separate those thoughts from you, moving on to true happiness. Even though you may have truly wanted to be with him, and acknowledging the possibility for the desire to remain for a long time, still move on. I moved on from his reality. I removed him from the dream I had built with him at the center. The dream is still good, but he can no longer have any part of it.

My Very Own Love Story

Recently, I have been over loading on romance novels and Asian Dramas. It has got me thinking about how I want my love story to be. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but at the same time I never really thought the things that I read in books or see in movies is reality. Where would I find a man that would answer to the passion in my soul, while also helping to heal the scars on it?  Where would I find the guy that is so willing to share himself? Every time I go see a romantic movie and the guy professes his love, I often thought about how the man I would marry would confess his to me.

The truth is my ideal confession changes. I see things that changes my mind almost daily. The one thing I know is that words simply aren't enough. I have a lifetime filled with empty words. People saying the things a person wants to hear without thinking about the ramifications for that person when they realize those words were just empty. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I don't know about every one else,  I don't mind my love story having bumps in the road, but i am a person that has no tolerance for disappointment. Not saying that all disappointment is weighed the same, but there must be moderation. I can't see myself with someone that is not careful about my feelings. A person that is fine with disappointing is not worthy of me. I am not perfect, but I know I deserve better than a life filled with disappointments in love.

After finding a man that is going to fight for the things that I am afraid to even admit that I want out loud. A man that will have my best interests at heart, he will search for the right method to profess his love, and he won't make me wait years of my youth to get it either. And this is where I get to the heart of the mystery. As a romantic woman, and a creative person by nature, I often think about that one moment. The moment when my life has turned into my very own love story. So for reader's I will write the fantasy had once held really close to my heart.

Lena had been sitting in the same spot for the past 12 days, alternating between deathly calmness and overwhelming sadness.  Her mind was trying to convince her heart that it was really over. Trying to stop her heartache with reason. This was for the best. Yes, the pain was almost unbearable. The only consolation she had was the knowledge that it was better to end it now rather then wait for him to finally realize he didn't want her after wasting years of her life. It was better to accept the writing on the wall. He was never going to give her what she wanted so why wait any longer? But it hurts.

Lena didn't want to think of which hurt worst, the betrayal or being strung along. She knew. She wish she didn't, but she knew. And so the hours since she had dredged the strength to finally end this charade, passed in this way. She was done with all pretense. Too bad that strength of knowing did nothing to stop the ache in her chest. Lena decided it was about time to take her daily shower, no matter how depressed she is, she would never sit in filth. Besides, the shower can help to mask how tears she has cried. She always thought she had cried out her last tear only to be proven wrong.

Lena emerged from the shower refreshed, to hear the incessant knocking at her door. Lena wasn't expecting anyone to drop by, so she silently crept up to the door to look through the peephole. What she saw beyond the door made her heart slam into her chest and do back flips all at once. Lena covered her mouth to keep from making a sound as she quickly backed away from the door. The pause in the knocking caused her to look back through the peephole only to see that he was still there. The sound of Lena's cell phone ringing almost made her scream, but she quickly crossed to living room to stop the sound.

Dan's voice travels through the door, "Lena, I can hear you. I know you're there. Please open the door." Lena doesn't move. "I'm not going anywhere until I see you." Dan says much to Lena's disbelief. Lena had years of Dan's unwillingness to do anything she wanted if it inconvenienced him or would injure his pride. Waiting outside a door with her neighbors walking by was an inconvenience and a blow to his pride. He would eventually tire of waiting and leave.

Time seem to inch by but hours had passed, even though he had stopped knocking and stopped calling, Lena knew he was still there. The voices of her neighbor speaking to him as they passed her door kept her aware of his presence. The sun was setting, but Dan showed no sign of leaving. Lena sat on the floor next to the door with her head resting on her knees.

"I wish there were words I could say to fix this. Words that could make you trust me again. Words that would show my sincerity. But I had the entire drive here and 12 days before then to think about it. I have already given too many words. You had years of my words and actions not lining up. I was just fortunate you didn't decide to leave me sooner...So I won't give you any more excuses as to why I let you down, and why I didn't treasure you. I just want the chance to show you. I don't want to go another day with you in one city and me in another 5 hours away."

Lena raised her head off her knees. Her heart starting to beat wildly out of control almost to the point of bursting. Dan's voice continued to travel through the door. "I want to show you that I am ready and I can't do that 5 hours away. So even though it doesn't make sense to completely up heave my life, it just feels right. There was nothing there for me anyway, and if I am going to have a regular job, I can get one closer to you. It doesn't matter where I am, I just know I need to be there with you. Please say I haven't lost my chance with you."

Lena had stood up from her position on the floor. Tears blinding her and her knuckle in between her teeth to stop her from crying out. It was Dan's soft barely perceptible "please" drifting through the door that had Lena slowly open her front door. Dan stood out of the door, looking at Lena in her robe.

"I need you in my life. And with God's help, I will be a man worthy of you. I'm so sorry that I made you feel like the top of the list. There is no list. There's only you, the only one." At this, Lena rushed into Dan arms with tears overflowing as he crushed her to his chest. And this time, when he said "I love you," Lena's heart rejoiced because she knew those words to be true.

Used Car Salesmen

I know it’s not fair to ask why men date younger women. I could go on a feminist tangent of why a patriarchal society has brain washed both sexes that younger is best. But I think of it differently now. It’s like having a car with so many miles on it. No matter how many good times and road trips you’ve taken with it, if the right opportunity presents itself you still will go and buy a newer and less used car.  Not that new equates best, but sometimes new requires less work.

As a woman, the older I get, I am getting further away from being the young, hot thing. I know when I was younger, I complained about all the men my age not speaking up and only being hit on by men older than me. Being told that it’s because women mature faster than men, meant that I would be better served setting my romantic interests on a man older than me. It didn’t really concern me unless the man trying to hit on me was old enough to be my daddy. I just went out for fun, knowing that I had time to think about getting married when I was older. But I am still unmarried and getting closer to 30.

Knowing that I want to get married someday, it would be a lie if I said I was not concerned by what men think of women still single after 30. I have heard that women that are still unmarried after the age of 30 are seen by men as having problems not worth dealing with. This saddens me because it is such a double standard. A man still single after 30, has goals and standards. A woman still single after 30, has problems. I was venting one day about the unfair points of being a single woman after the age that society says you should be settled by, when my brother put a different spin on.

My brother said men know exactly how many “bad” men are out there, even though they act unaware. The nice guys have these men as friends themselves. The nice men hear how about their friends dealing with women knowing they have no serious intentions towards them. But “Man Code” is strong. They can only say to their friends “Man, that’s F*cked up.” Not interfere. So men know exactly how many women their friends could have gone through before finding a woman they want to settled down with. So when they look at a woman over 30, they start to think of if their dating experience is like theirs. How many of those bad men have come and gone in this woman’s life? Is it possible that this woman has been so thoroughly used that she is jaded?

Men think these thoughts and decide for themselves whether that woman is worth the effort. I hate to keep comparing women to used cars, but the comparison works. As a person looking to buy a car, you shop around. You see an old 1970’s Challenger, you fall in love at first sight. You are already thinking of how cool you’ll look in it once you get it to mint condition, but you see that it will take a lot of time, and effort to restore it. Then you see the newer model. You add up the mental calculations and you realize no matter which car you choose, you’ll end up spending the same amount of money roughly.  The only difference between the two, is that one is ready to drive off the lot, while the other will be a labor of love on the weekends just to get to drive. The truth is most people would chose a car they can drive right then, I know I would. With the economy the way it is, I would want a dependable car that’s ready now.

Now lets use this in dating, I am a man that knows that it’s highly possible that the women my age has been used by other men. I say used, because that’s what has happened. The men in their lives used the women without any intentions of marrying them. I know you can test drive a car, but that’s around the block. Women tend to let men test drive them for years before the man finally admits he has no intention of buying. If you were selling your car, would you let the person test drive the car for years without buying it. No. It wouldn’t make sense. Why get the benefits if you don’t want to buy it?

My mom has said “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?”  I know when I was younger, it didn’t really compute and being from the city, I really dislike adages that compared me to farm animals. I am so apart of “Try before you Buy” age of marketing. It’s sad that this must even apply to dating. My closest male friend says he wouldn’t even think about marrying a woman before he has lived with her. I still can’t believe how adamant he is about this.  She has to jump through all those hoops before you’re even willing to consider marriage. So where does that leave her when you have taken years of her life, and you realize you don’t? She’s closer to the used car lot and she has never even been bought. So selfish.

This is where I want to give women something to ponder on. How many miles are you willing to let a man test drive you? You know what you want. Just because a man is calling you his lady, doesn’t mean that you have been bought. It’s the difference between buying a car and leasing it. Are you willing to let yourself be a used car without having had one owner?  Will you buy me?

When the Sun Goes down…

I can pretend all day that I’m ok. Be all smiles, show no frowns but when the sun goes down… When the sun goes down, and no one’s around I give in. I give in to the thoughts that cause so much pain. I can cry out my sorrow. I don’t have to pretend I’m not affected. I can be mad. I can torture myself with the memories, and dreams.  I can miss your voice, touch, presence to my hearts content.  I can make believe that you are missing me as much as I miss you.  I can pretend you loved me, that you’re Facebook stalking me. That you’re looking at the phone wishing I would call. Each day that goes by gets harder. Each day I become more convinced that I really meant nothing to begin with. And when the Sun goes down, I want to give in to the desire to pretend. Find a way to make it be ok. Try to trick myself to believe in your lies again. Wishing in weakness that I can unlearn my knowledge, cause that’s how much I want to be with you. That my heart is willing to try to put the pieces back together just so you can shatter them again.

When the sun comes up, reason takes back over, saying I deserve better. I deserve someone who will treasure my heart. Why should I return my heart to the hands that have callously handled it before for a Third time.  How could I possibly even trick myself into believe it was a stupid mistake? With what words and actions could he possibly convince me that his heart is sincere? Where was all this sincerity before, when my heart needed it? Only after destroying it he is willing to bring out sincerity.  How many more, “I wasn’t thinking” excuses do I need to hear before my heart is willing to accept that it means “I wasn’t thinking, because I don’t care.” I don’t care enough to prevent myself from hurting you. I tell myself things you had to be thinking for you to treat me this way.

I will do what I want and if you get hurt in the process, I will try to fix. But only do enough to keep you by my side. I know you’re hungry for my love, but I will give you enough affection to sustain you. Not to nourish or satisfy.  I will use excuses like, “I don’t know how to open up,” or “I’m afraid to get hurt” to placate you. It will be the go to reason you keep in your head whenever I don’t fulfill your needs. But you will continue to fulfill mines in hopes that one day I will. These are the thoughts I tell myself you were thinking when the sun comes up and reason returns. Miss me?  I was just week three girl in the rotation. Every three weeks it would be my turn for you to act like you were really my boyfriend and wanted me.  The rest of the month was devoted to the others. When you didn’t call, when you were taking trips for “work” or to visit a “friend” you were just going to see the other girls in the rotation. I probably wasn’t even #1.  So why am I moping around? The facts of two years of my devotion weighed against your nonchalance should have been enough for me to end it. I shouldn’t have had to learn about the others for me to step away. I deserve 100 times better. I remind myself of my worth when the sun comes up, but it always go back down.

When the sun goes down, the only thing that matters is that I love you. Even knowing the reasons why I can’t allow my heart to accept you, I love you. Even knowing your heart was never there, I can’t deny that mines was. So when the sun goes down, I remember my love for you.  And it makes me want to cave in, especially after the thoughts of the day, but I can’t reach out of my pain to you. So I close my eye and feel the cold wetness of my pillow and wait for the sun to rise to bring my reason back to me.

Words VS Actions

My friend Tre, has been complaining about his single life saying he’s tired of screwing around. He says he’s finally ready to settle down into a real relationship. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to be willing to break the habits of promiscuity.  He says wants to build a good strong healthy relationship, but he always seems to fall into bed prematurely with the person. I know for men that sex is just sex. It’s not an emotional experience the way it is for a woman. So when Tre tells me he just met a woman that he is interested in and then a few days later he tells me they have slept together, its reasonable that I should be skeptical about his aforementioned desires.  His interest and the consummation of his interest has all happened within a week.  It’s when these things occur that I doubt Tre’s sincerity of being ready to settle down.
Tre is almost 30. He’s an attractive black man. He has his head on straight and his priorities in order. Now that Tre is saying he’s tired of screwing around, as his friend I immediately start to look for signs of a man that is seriously looking for a woman to marry. But then he pulls a stunt like this. Meet a woman and sleep with her all in the same week.  Since Tre’s a man, I can’t really look down on that cause it is socially accepted if not morally, but Tre’s actions seem to be contrary to what he has said.  He says he’s tired of screwing around but he seems to be doing just that.

Now, I know Tre will not agree with this in the least, but I feel he’s still not looking for a serious relationship.  I think he’s just tired of chasing booty and just wants one booty to be available to him all the time.  This doesn’t mean he’s ready to say “I do.” I don’t even think he’s really looking for a woman to marry, because his actions say otherwise. He just wants an “In-house booty.” “In-house booty,” for those that have never heard the term before is the booty you don’t have to go out and hunt. It’s booty you go home to. Doesn’t necessarily mean they live together. It just means he doesn’t have to put that much effort into getting in their pants because they are already in a relationship. She will be a woman that will give him sex when he wants it and he will give the appearance of a marriage minded person in return. 
The reason I say this is because Tre’s habits in dating has not changed. Tre probably feels he’s old enough and having multiple partners is for young and immature men. He wants to separate himself from that group and I think he also wants the companionship of being in a relationship, and avoid the risks of screwing around. Plus he’s really big on cuddling.  Another reason I think he’s just looking for “in-house booty,” is because he keeps dating women much younger than him. In their early 20’s.  Women are often thinking about marriage. In most cases, the younger they are the further away it is in their future.  I know when I was 22 marriage was still a few years off and dating was just for fun. Now that I am older the way I date is differently. My expectations in a man are higher, because I am not just looking at who will be a good boyfriend for a while. I am looking at who will be a good husband for the rest of my life and who will be a good father for my future kids.  Tre’s actions don’t seem like a man searching for a wife or the mother of his kids.
Now Tre could prove me wrong. But for now, his actions are the opposite of his words. Do men feel that they can sleep with a woman on the within a certain amount of time and still see her as a possible mother of his kids and future wife?

I Still Pray for You

It’s quite obvious by main focus of recent blogs being about ending a relationship that these topics are very close to my heart and mind.  The first thing that you learn after ending the relationship is that the feelings don’t end with it.  You feel the agony of reality.  As a woman, it’s very easy to get caught up in fantasy and build our castles in the sky.  The reality is that gravity brings every down to earth.  The other thing is while we are seeing all these fantastical things of how great it could be, we still must live in reality.  So even as we build our castles in the sky, gravity is already at work bringing it back to earth.
It goes without saying that the landing is not pleasant and you come away badly hurt if not broken.  It’s at the moment when you look back at the wreckage of what use to be your dream that utter despair sets in. There’s always that part that is looking for something to salvage it. There’s the part that knows there is nothing to save and it’s best to crawl away without looking back to heal. But you stand there in shock, confusion, agony, and despair all while looking at this beautiful dream you had still wishing it could have worked.

After time passes you turn to God. For strength. For healing… and even as you pray you find yourself at a loss.  Feeling as if your prayer is not complete. It was in this moment of tearful prayer that I understood what the bible meant when it says to pray for the people who have hurt you.  I don’t know about everyone but I often heard people say after another person has hurt them, “I will pray for God to forgive them for they know not what they do.” In this one sentence I always heard smugness and anger in them as if they may be saying that but in their hearts are hoping that person gets what they deserve for hurting “this child of God.” So I never really thought that praying for a person after they hurt you came from a place of love or forgiveness.
It wasn’t until the person I loved hurt me to such a degree that I had to leave, that I cried in pain for myself, him and others. Even as I pray for the strength not to be bitter and punish future men for his mistakes, I pray for him.  I pray for him not to treat the future women in his life the way he treated me. The same way I pray for myself and other drivers on the road right before going on a road trip, I pray for him and myself. I pray that the people that come across our paths in the future are protected from callous decisions that we may make as a result of our past.  I pray he truly learns how to treasure a woman. I pray I learn how to love myself as much as I loved him. I pray we both take the good from our relationship without it being tainted by the bad.  Even as I hurt, I pray for healing for him as well as myself.  I don’t focus on the reasons why these prayers are necessary.  They just are. I prayed throughout our relationship, for him as well as myself, and I thought that once it ended my prayers for him will stop as well.  But just as the feelings are still there, I still carry him in my spirit. So I also pray that God can change the way I carry this, instead of carrying thoughts of a future husband that didn’t work, I carry a past friend.  I don’t know if I will ever stop praying for him. But for now I still do, and I won’t get upset about it.

Missed Out on a Good Thing?

It’s seems to me that after a relationship ends, there are two types of people. The one that got everything they wanted and the one that gave the other everything they wanted.  The receiver comes away for the most part unscathed.  If they weren’t the one that ended the relationship, they probably feel a little pain at the inconvenient loss of the person that was so eager to please them.  The giver in this relationship however, goes through the stages of mourning.  Even when they had to finally end it because their needs weren’t being met, the heart places them in denial.  She is unwilling to accept that the person she gave her all to doesn’t want her, and was using her.  She wants to live in the fantasy even after breaking up.  She wants to continue to treasure the beautiful memories between them.  She doesn’t want to accept that everything she had, was and gave still was not enough for him to love and treasure her.  She even carries the small hope that he will soon realize what a good thing she is and come crawling back on all fours to get her.

It’s when she starts to lose the hope of reconciliation, that she looks at all the things she did and anger rises in her.  She begins to hate all the effort she put into it, because it makes her feel stupid and naïve.  So instead of taking her portion of responsibility, she turns that outward.  She starts to say in order to console herself, “He missed out on a good thing.” I have heard that often from friends when they end relationships. “It’s their loss.”  I’ve even said this before.  It’s a bit comforting thinking about him looking back and feeling utter agony at missing out on such a good thing. But did he really? 

Not trying to imply that she is not a good thing, but how exactly did he miss out?  She was clearly giving everything she had, so what did he miss? The truth is he didn’t out on anything.  He took everything she gave with no intentions of keeping it for himself in the first place. That is all. He missed out on nothing.  And chances are in the future, he’ll miss these “good memories” with the same reminiscence that an adult misses the good times of their childhood.  With no real desire to go back, just wishing it had lasted a bit longer before ending. Not even aware of the emotional scars those “good memories” have left with the woman, that has to console herself with useless thoughts like “He missed out.”

The “He missed out,” sentiment can only do so much to keep the pain at bay, because at some point the thought “If I’m such a good thing, why didn’t he want me anyway?” will come.  This thought will  cause the depression stage to happen, before finally acceptance. But let’s stay on the “good thing” sentiment.  In no way, am I saying that anyone in a situation like this, is not a good thing.  Just think, if you truly thought you were such a good thing, then why didn’t you treat yourself better in your dealings with him?  Even if you truly loved him, why didn’t you love yourself a bit more to make him earn all the things you were willing to give?

Don’t cloud your thoughts with “love can’t be earned” sentiments. That it is something freely given. Even though it’s true, a person still must earn the benefits of love.  Look at John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” If we look at this verse, Love was freely given, but the benefits from that love came with a condition.  All Christians know that one must earn our salvation, not God’s love.  That was freely given.  So lets apply this to dating.  You can and should love freely, but the benefits of love should and must be earned.

It’s not selfish to require a person to earn the benefits of your love. It’s what should be done, it gives the other person the responsibility on whether they attain what you offer or not. It protects you from feeling used up and dried out.  People will take things offered, even if its not something they want.  People love free things.  But free things are underappreciated and often quickly forgotten.  It’s not to say that you should be the only person receiving, no. It means there must be a balance.  Never give when there is doubt, or insecurity.  Giving all you have is not going to make those go away.  Only when that person does what is necessary to lay aside all doubt will it leave.  It’s not an internal struggle.  It’s not up to you to earn your trust or your good favor.  And how will you feel a person’s love for you if they are never inspired to do anything for it. Just set your self worth and then wait for that person to know, “She is worth it and more.”  Then and only then will you both be able to rejoice in Love as God intended. Then you won’t have to console yourself with “He missed out” because you really just gave it away.

Does “No Take Backs” apply to Breakups?

You were in a relationship. Things were good, and gifts were given. Both from one to the other in love. I have always heard that when an engaged couple breaks up, there are certain regulations on how gifts are returned. I have always been told that if the woman breaks it off she has to return the ring, but if the man breaks it off then the woman gets to keep the ring. But what if the woman calls it off because the man was cheating? He was the wrong doer, so why should she return the ring? What if she got him an expensive gift? Is she right to ask for the return of gifts given in love? What would you do in the situation?

The scenario is a girl that loves her boyfriend gets him a tablet for his birthday.  Then shortly thereafter, she learns that he has been unfaithful.  Of course one of the first things in her head is, “Damn, I wish I knew this before I spent all my money on that gift.” So now she is thinking about all she has given during the course of the relationship, of course her monetary gifts are not comparable to his, but she was faithful and felt those were deserved.  Now the tablet has become the physical symbol of all her effort towards her relationship and while she may not be able to get her wasted emotions back, she can ask for the tablet back. Speaking to a male friend, he says she should ask for the tablet back. She feels that since it was a gift she doesn’t have a right to ask for it back. But he says, “Yes, you do. It was a gift to a faithful lover. You’re not just getting tired of him and breaking up, he has betrayed you! It’s only right for you to get it back.”  Of course just because you ask doesn’t mean the person will return the gift to you.

I think of it as a lesson in love. All lessons learned are taught at a price. Some are just more expensive.  Let’s just assume that if she had stayed with her cheating boyfriend and he continued to cause her heartache, what would the price have been then?  There are other people that learn their lessons much later after tragic circumstances like getting pregnant or catching an STD.  When thinking like this, a mere $500 is nothing.  How much would you pay to be rid of a person that is bad for your life? I think its perfectly understandable to ask for a gift back after a betrayal has been revealed, but don’t get caught up on the gift. The point is to move on and count it as tuition. Lesson learned and move on.

I Love You, Let’s Break Up

Not all good thing things come to an end.  It would be great if all bad things did, but it not so.  Even with a bad relationship, it’s hard to walk away.  All those memories of good times and feelings make you wish there was a way for you to stay. It’s especially after you say “I think we should break,” and they calmly accept it, that you feel awful. As if a part of you was hoping that he would try to convince you to stay. But he doesn’t, you end things and you move into the mourning phase. Self reflection makes you wonder about the reasons of why you were sure that you can’t be together anymore even though you love him. That’s when I think back on how they say sometimes love isn’t enough. I even wrote on it a few times. I didn’t understand it before even as I watched the movie “Disappearing Acts,” and still couldn’t understand why they couldn’t be together when they obviously love each other.
That’s when I think of my own situation. It takes a strong person to know what they can endure.  I know how I feel about the man I love. It’s there, it’s real, and I will probably always love him. But I even ask myself, why did it have to end anyway? I know myself and after recent events, I know that the life I wanted for us can not be anymore, at least not with the person I am presently.  This is not saying that he couldn’t become the ideal husband for me in the future, doing all the things necessary to keep me happy. It’s because of me.  There have been too many bad examples of relationships in my life.  And the one thing I wanted for myself since childhood was a marriage completely different from my parents.  Their example has made it nearly impossible for me not to make our relationship bad if we continued.

I can forgive, but there is no such thing as forgetting. The forget part just means it’s no longer a part of your thoughts and it doesn’t effect the decisions you make regarding your loved one.  The most detrimental thing to a relationship is cheating. In the bible, adultery is the only reason God gives for putting your spouse aside. It doesn’t say that you have to, but if you were going to get a divorce, cheating is the only acceptable reason. I often thought about why cheating would be the only acceptable reason, why not domestic violence, or failing to provide, etc.  I understand now why those other reasons shouldn’t matter. If those signs of a person not being good for you didn’t deter you from saying “I do,” why should it matter after?  But cheating is another thing. Everyone tempted daily to do the wrong things, some are  just better than others at fighting off temptation. But there is a backlash to betrayal, trust is broken.  Not everyone is capable of trusting again once betrayed.

It’s not a good or bad thing, it just is. It’s as Mr. Darcy said in Jane Austen’s “Pride & Prejudice,” “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” Darcy was very straight forward in knowing that it doesn’t matter about the virtue and vices of others, seeing as everyone has them both. He was only concerned with the fact that the person did something to lose his good opinion. In life it’s not just one thing, but the sum of things that makes you leave a certain person alone. It doesn’t mean that you hate them or think about their faults when they are not in your presence, it just means you don’t allow them to be around you. It’s like a lasting impression, one that you can’t remove from your thoughts when you have to face them.

Imagine you are a person like Mr. Darcy, but add in the love you have for a person. They have lost your trust, but you love them.  Considering the way you feel about them, you try to make it work. But your trust is broken and as the person you are now it can’t be fixed. So now you find yourself, looking on in suspicion on everything that person does, and the people of the opposite sex that surrounds them.  Wanting to control that persons life from that point on. Control who are their friends, control how they spend their daily time. That’s tiring for both you and your partner. It’s not the life of happiness that you envisioned for yourself. So why tire yourself out trying to make this broken relationship work, when you can just move on? Even if you may love that person until death, you need to know yourself when you make decisions. Of course that doesn’t mean that you may not end up together.  There may be a need for maturation on both sides of the relationship, a maturity that must happen without each other.  And even if leaving is not the right decision for the situation, God has a way of fixing things and restoring something that we thought was pass redemption.  So don’t be afraid to make a choice, even if it’s the hard one. Just pray, and let go. That is all.

Please me, not Placate

When I was younger and thought of the man I wanted to marry and what qualities he needed to possess, this list I thought was very straightforward. Handsome, tall, funny, intelligent, loves God, no kids and doesn’t smoke. I was so serious about this that I even prayed that God protect the heart and life of my future husband and keep him from making mistakes that would make him hard to be with. As I have gotten older and gained more dating experience, the list has grown significantly.  Recently my dating experience has me focused on the idea of pleasing a person. 

In a relationship, there are going to be things that the other person will want that the other person could live without. The man loves sex, the woman wants security.  The thing about today’s society that it is easier for a man to get what he wants while not giving the woman what she wants.  Towards the end of my relationship, right when I was debating on whether I could continue on with the person I loved or not, I got an epiphany.  I had always given in to his wants easily where as the things I wanted were always given after I threw a fit.  Things that should come naturally in a relationship.  Things like making it official, setting boundaries for female friends that are crossing the line, saying “I love you,” meeting the parents, making plans for a future together.  Things like this should have happened naturally after communication and consideration.  But I often found the things I wanted not happening so after waiting months for progress, I would finally throw a fit and he would give in. 


I admit that I made many excuses for why he was reluctant to give me the things that I wanted. Like he was holding onto past hurt, which was preventing him from giving me the things I wanted and such. It was this thought process that allowed me to fool myself into thinking that he cared, because he always gave in at my insistence.  It wasn’t until towards the end of our relationship once I started to accept the thought that maybe he didn’t care for me as much as I thought all along.  So imagine when yet another problem has cropped up in our relationship, and now he wants to give me the one thing I have been wanting all along.  So even as he is making a promise for a future together, I find myself thinking “why is it after you mess up you become so willing to give me the things I had wanted all along?” This one thought made me think of all the other instances and I finally realized there was not one thing I really wanted that he just gave to me after asking. I always had to get mad enough to leave before he gave in.  Not saying he didn’t do the occasionally sweet things that makes a person momentarily happy.  But when it came to the things that were most important to me, I always had to fight for it.  So image after I start thinking of these things I say to myself, “How in the world did I ever convince myself that he loved me with these little breadcrumbs of affection?”


Now that I know that he wasn’t interested in pleasing me, that he is only interested in placating me to keep me on the shelf I had to move on.  Of course it’s heartbreaking to know that the person that you love doesn’t love you, but that’s life. You live, you love, you learn. The thing I questioned was “What was I giving him that made him feel it necessary to keep me when he didn’t want me?” It’s sad to think that the answer may have been sex, but it is most likely.  Men love sex. I have been told by many married men, both happy and unhappy, that sex is very, VERY important.  Women can go without sex, men can’t. Even knowing that, it’s still hard to accept that the man you have devoted the last few years of your life was only in it for sex and it is very painful. At least with this knowledge, I can move on without looking back. 


It is with this realization, that I move on with the quality of a man willing to please added to my list of what I want in a man.  Even as I move on, I hear all these contradicting thoughts on relationships such as “A man will always try to get you for less than you’re worth” or “A man will never devalue his treasure.” “A man that wants you will step up to bar that you have set.” “Sometimes, you will have to fight for what you want.” It’s these thoughts that have confused me. Now I have learned that it is unwise to give any man the things he wants if he hasn’t earned it, because even a good man won’t treasure something he didn’t ask for and didn’t earn. So telling yourself that you have to fight for love is misguided, a man needs to be a MAN, and a man fights their own battles.  A man will fight for you. A man that loves you will want to please you and he won’t offer up excuses as to why he hasn’t or why it may prevent him from pleasing you in the future. It’s not a manly thought to dwell on hurt, pain or fear of rejection. A man’s life is pain and is constantly filled with rejection. These are just hunting techniques to placate you and make you lower your expectations while allowing him to get the things he wants. Don’t fall for it. I have painfully learned my lesson. I hope others can learn from my mistakes. Look for a man that is after PLEASING his lady, not placating.

I had to add this in. This song is exactly how I feel. Go Jojo

Caring highly Overrated

There are so many people out there today sharing too much info via Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc. But the main thing I tend to find myself, "Why should I care?" I mean let's get down to some very real facts. Most people are ignorant idiots. They make comments/statements without thinking about who is out there listening/reading. I couldn't care less what you did this morning and what you plan to do later tonight. I really couldn't care how horny you are and how you can put it down. Not everyone is a hoe and look kindly on that stuff. I couldn't care less that you like to show your body online as if you are America's next top model. I couldn't care less that after you've been putting your business out there for all to see for ages, You get mad because someone got pissed off at you and really put you out there on FB. Now you want to delete your page after your business has been put online. Now you want to hide away and keep what should have been private all along, private. Kudos.

Well, that's the price you pay. You wanted to be the big dog online cause you couldn't cut it in real life and now your foolishness had burned you. Hope it's a lesson well learned. Because as a real friend, I'm going to tell you, you shouldn't have been putting yourself out there like that in the first place. Why do you think so jobs don't let their employees have a FB page? Because it gets messy, it can ruin lives. So after the shit hits the fan, don't come running to me of all people expecting me to care. I won't. I don't have the ability to have false sympathy for stupidity. Call me a bad guy. But if people held each other to a higher standard than maybe there wouldn't be so many messes to clean up in our lives. So if you want me to care, then give me a reason to care. Honey Badger Don’t Care, Honey Badger don’t give a Sh*t.

Prejudice killed my Brother

I tried not to give my two cents on this Trayvon Martin case. But there is nothing to Justify Zimmerman’s use of deadly force on this child. If you were walking through an unfamiliar neighborhood and you notice that a man is following you. Most people respond with either Fight or Flight. Trayvon probably felt threatened by Zimmerman’s stalking and decided to defend himself. Zimmerman clearly explains how he saw Trayvon as a suspicious person and proceeded to follow him. Trayvon can not say why he attacked the man because he is dead. We only know that Trayvon was unarmed and had no intention of wrong doing while running an errand. Was he dressed like how most young black men these days dress, like a thug? Yes. I admit that even as a black woman, I myself tended to avoid black men that looked questionable. But going to an HBCU has changed that. I know that there are a lot of people who still don't see it as wrong to dress a certain way and get mad when people assume that you are what you appear to be. I say, “Why wear the uniform, if that is not your lifestyle?”

But back to Trayvon's case. Zimmerman has yet to say what Trayvon's actions were to cause him to be suspicious, other than seeing Trayvon walking down the street. With what circumstantial evidence does Zimmerman offer to make Trayvon look suspicious other than him being an unknown black male dressed like a thug? How is this not racial profiling? Zimmerman could have just openly approached Trayvon to ask him what he was doing in the neighborhood and none of this would have happened. As a man that has been mentoring young Black men before, Zimmerman shouldn't have been so quick to jump to conclusions. A life has been lost as a result, and what kind of consolation to Trayvon's family is an apology? What about other cases that are similar, where a person was so quick to jump to conclusions and took another's life. There is such a thing as Involuntary Man slaughter for a reason. I can forgive man’s crime and prejudice, but I still think people should be held accountable for their actions especially when it costs another's life. The sad part is, even if Trayvon's instinct had been to run away. Zimmerman still probably would have used deadly force because in his mind he had already judged Trayvon to be a threat. The only way to fight prejudice is with communication, A simple "Hello, How are you doing today?" might save many lives.

I am PREJUDICE

I see white man with a shaved head and Confederate Flag on his car, I think “Skin on his way to the Klan meeting. Avoid at all Costs.” I see a Black man with his platinum grill, sagging pants, and tattoos, I think “Gangster, probably fresh from prison. Avoid at all Costs.” I see a Black woman with kids and no ring on her finger, I think “I hope those kids have the same daddy, probably not.”  I see a woman at a club barely escaping an indecent exposure arrest, I think “Hoe.” I see a grown man too old to be speaking to a teenage girl, I think “Pedophile.” I see a white person dressed poorly, I think “Poor White Trash.”  I see a fat woman dressed in an outfit even a size 6 would have trouble pulling off, I think “UGH!!! Fat hoe, you have no friends.” I see a Black girl with multicolored hair, I think “Ghetto hoe.” I see a man in skinny jeans or wearing pink, I think “Gay. It’s way too many Low down men.” I meet an unhelpful white person, I think “Racist Cracker.” I see a woman dressed in male clothing, I think “Butch.”  I see a black man with a woman of a different race,  I think “He just wasn’t man enough to deal with a strong black woman.”  I see a Black woman with a White man, I think “It’s sad, but there aren’t that many good brothers out there any more.” I see a successful black man with a white woman, I think “Sell out.” I see white person dressed in all black with red or green hair, I think “Wiccan, Emo, or Cutter.” I see a white person act black, I think “Wannabe.” I see black woman with 19 inches of tracks and processed hair, I think “Lily Complex.” I see an Asian person, I think “Chinese.” I see a Hispanic person, I think “Mexican.” I see a white person with blond hair and blue eyes, I think “Norwegian Nazi descendant.” I see a person with glasses reading, I think “Intelligent.” I see a guy playing Warcraft, I think “40 year old virgin.” I see a Black man driving a nice car while looking like a thug, I think “Bought with drug money, or his Girlfriend’s or mom’s car.” I see a man dressed femininely, I think “Flaming Fairy.” I see a human, I think “Ignorant know it all.”