When the Sun Goes down…

I can pretend all day that I’m ok. Be all smiles, show no frowns but when the sun goes down… When the sun goes down, and no one’s around I give in. I give in to the thoughts that cause so much pain. I can cry out my sorrow. I don’t have to pretend I’m not affected. I can be mad. I can torture myself with the memories, and dreams.  I can miss your voice, touch, presence to my hearts content.  I can make believe that you are missing me as much as I miss you.  I can pretend you loved me, that you’re Facebook stalking me. That you’re looking at the phone wishing I would call. Each day that goes by gets harder. Each day I become more convinced that I really meant nothing to begin with. And when the Sun goes down, I want to give in to the desire to pretend. Find a way to make it be ok. Try to trick myself to believe in your lies again. Wishing in weakness that I can unlearn my knowledge, cause that’s how much I want to be with you. That my heart is willing to try to put the pieces back together just so you can shatter them again.

When the sun comes up, reason takes back over, saying I deserve better. I deserve someone who will treasure my heart. Why should I return my heart to the hands that have callously handled it before for a Third time.  How could I possibly even trick myself into believe it was a stupid mistake? With what words and actions could he possibly convince me that his heart is sincere? Where was all this sincerity before, when my heart needed it? Only after destroying it he is willing to bring out sincerity.  How many more, “I wasn’t thinking” excuses do I need to hear before my heart is willing to accept that it means “I wasn’t thinking, because I don’t care.” I don’t care enough to prevent myself from hurting you. I tell myself things you had to be thinking for you to treat me this way.

I will do what I want and if you get hurt in the process, I will try to fix. But only do enough to keep you by my side. I know you’re hungry for my love, but I will give you enough affection to sustain you. Not to nourish or satisfy.  I will use excuses like, “I don’t know how to open up,” or “I’m afraid to get hurt” to placate you. It will be the go to reason you keep in your head whenever I don’t fulfill your needs. But you will continue to fulfill mines in hopes that one day I will. These are the thoughts I tell myself you were thinking when the sun comes up and reason returns. Miss me?  I was just week three girl in the rotation. Every three weeks it would be my turn for you to act like you were really my boyfriend and wanted me.  The rest of the month was devoted to the others. When you didn’t call, when you were taking trips for “work” or to visit a “friend” you were just going to see the other girls in the rotation. I probably wasn’t even #1.  So why am I moping around? The facts of two years of my devotion weighed against your nonchalance should have been enough for me to end it. I shouldn’t have had to learn about the others for me to step away. I deserve 100 times better. I remind myself of my worth when the sun comes up, but it always go back down.

When the sun goes down, the only thing that matters is that I love you. Even knowing the reasons why I can’t allow my heart to accept you, I love you. Even knowing your heart was never there, I can’t deny that mines was. So when the sun goes down, I remember my love for you.  And it makes me want to cave in, especially after the thoughts of the day, but I can’t reach out of my pain to you. So I close my eye and feel the cold wetness of my pillow and wait for the sun to rise to bring my reason back to me.