These past few days I have been thinking about my ex. The good memories I have of him are forever tainted and his position as the “villain” of my past has been permanently established. He will always be remembered by me as the selfish one who broke my heart. Even though I can’t put all the blame on him, he still carries responsibility for his actions. He was so wrapped up in himself that he either never stopped to think how his actions might affect me, or just didn’t care. This made me wonder about my actions towards others in my past, if I treated someone so selfishly that I am the villain in their past. I don’t think I have ever been so selfish and careless that I would be the villain. But there is one person that comes to mind that it’s possible. There is Drew.
I only have good memories of Drew, but thinking back, he may not have some good memories of me. Drew was a nice guy. He was attractive, into the same things that I liked (anime, pokemon, etc.), and most importantly he was so into me. I mean, Drew would practically do whatever I wanted, he liked me so much. Even though I was honest about my lukewarm feelings towards him, he continued to chase me. Drew was so eager to get my lukewarm feelings to the boiling point that he really started to put things into over drive. It was as if his life started to revolve around me. I admit even though I was a bit concerned by his devotion, I enjoyed soaking up his attention. Drew could always be relied on to boost my ego.
I met Drew after a very traumatic experience in my life. Drew really helped to make me feel good about myself when I hated looking at myself in the mirror. He looked at me as if the sun rose and set out of my behind. I enjoyed going places with him because it was very apparent that he was over the top proud to have me on his arm. It felt great. But I had no desire or intention of ever returning Drew’s affection the way he wanted. Even though I was honest about my feelings, I always seemed to be dangling a carrot out for him to chase after. I admit I was selfish. I was concerned about his strong attachment to me, but I didn’t care about how my careless attitude towards him would affect him. I was only focused on how he made me feel about ME. But I have to thank God for my mother. She holds us all accountable for our actions towards ourselves and others.
I remember the conversation with my mom that made me cut Drew loose. I was making plans to hang out with Drew on the phone. My mom was listening as we were making these plans. When I got off the phone, my mom didn’t pull any punches or even segue into her comment. As I was walking to the fridge to grab myself a popsicle, she said quite calmly, “You know you’re no good for that boy.” If anyone ever wants to know where I get my bluntness from, it’s from my mom and no other. She has a way of bringing up a thought from weeks ago, without any forewarning, throwing a monkey wrench into whatever thoughts you’ve been throwing around. My mom is the ultimate “Mind Ninja.”
So imagine carefree me looking forward to my next outing with Drew when my mom tells me I am “no good.” I am not paraphrasing. She really called me “No good.” So when I asked her to explain why I’m “no good.” She explained in her observation voice, that it was clear that Drew wanted much more than I was going to give and that I was stringing him along. I tried to defend myself by saying, I couldn’t be stringing him along because I was honest about my feelings towards him. In her mom voice, she explains that my words and actions were confusing him.
I was saying I didn’t want his affections, but I was allowing him to show his affections towards me. By allowing him to express his affections, I was giving him hope that he could change my mind. By dangling the carrot in front of him, he would think that if he worked hard enough, he could catch me. She told me, it will break his poor little heart after he has put so much work in and still doesn’t get me AND on top of that I would be the cold heartless woman that used him. Now this description of who I would be if I continued to play with Drew’s emotions thoroughly upset me. I started to weigh my actions because I didn’t want to be cold, heartless and callous towards Drew because I truly liked him. Just not in the way he wanted.
I remember after accepting that my actions have been careless towards Drew, I still wanted to try to keep him as a friend. I asked my mom if I could keep him as just a friend. My mom said be a true friend and cut him loose. It would be too easy to fall back into the already established pattern of him trying to gain my affections, no matter how careful I was. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to this very day with someone. Telling him that I had to end our dealings with each other because I was looking out for him didn’t make much sense to him. It took a little while before he realized that I meant what I had said. He stopped trying to reach me, and I hoped I only bruised his ego.
Now I look back on that situation with different eyes, eyes that have seen first hand how cruel it is string someone along. I had recognized the wisdom of my mother’s words even then. Which is why I decided to be a true friend to Drew and protect his heart from me. I hope and pray that I succeeded. I could say that I did it purely to protect his heart and I did want to protect his heart. But the true reason I did it, is because I didn’t want to be the “villain” that can give such ugly scars to the heart of a person that I say I care about. I wanted to truly care, not careless, careful.
No comments:
Post a Comment