Thursday, September 3, 2015
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
When he said this, I started to see myself with my ex. Continually trying to push him towards bigger dreams while stinting my own growth. So our relationship was doomed even before infidelity was revealed. I wish I had known this from the beginning. But God has a way of teaching you the things you don't know in order to prepare you. So, I do believe I am still being prepared. For what I don't know. I just know I will keep focusing on my dreams and one day God will send me a man that my dreams can fit inside of. Because I am learning daily that it takes much more than feelings and desire to have a successful relationship.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
"I didn't throw him away."
"What did you do then?"
"I broke up with him."
"So you dumped him?”
“Where did you dump him?"
"…In the trash."
"So you threw him away."
"Yes, I guess you can say that."
"I don't fault you for throwing him away, he showed himself to be trash. But why don't you want to accept that you're the one that threw him away?"
"Because if I threw him away, why do I feel so worthless?"
"Two reasons, you're very good at dogging yourself out and because you have real feelings for him."
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Last week, I had a dream. It would have been a nightmare, if I wasn't aware of my dreaming state. In my dream, I am held captive by a monster. I am waiting for my husband to come get me. I can't say rescue me because I am always the baddest b in dream land. But yet I wait for my husband to appear. Now for me the unpleasant part starts when my husband shows up and he looks like my ex. I remember thinking at this point "God, Why are you in my dream?" I don't wake myself up or change the channel just out of curiosity. So I am escaping with my husband that looks like my ex all while being very careful not to hurt myself. Which is very odd, because I am usually such a bad ass. So in our escape from the demon's lair. We reach a point where I must jump down to get away then my ex beside me tells me to jump quickly. Then my dream self stares at my husband/ex. While he urges me to make a jump that wouldn't hurt me anyway but his lack of care strikes a nerves. Then I say quite clearly, "You are not my husband." At this point he looks at me and says, "Yes I am. Now hurry and jump before the demon finds out you're missing." I don't move, and respond, "No, you're not. How could you be my husband when you have no concern for the wife that has been threatening a miscarriage." My ex doesn't respond, but he smiles. Smiles right before turning into the demon that captured me. The rest of the dream is of this demon trying to catch me.
When I told my sister of this dream, she thought it was scary as hell. She really does think of my ex as a monster that was out to destroy me. She always brings up the fact that immediately after breaking up with my ex, my life got way better. Job offers in my career. Making more money. It's very clear that if the sky should fall and I completely forget all the wisdom I have gained, my sister will be the loudest voice in reminding of all the good reasons my life is better without my ex. I was shocked that she would think of my dream as so scary when I definitely didn't. Something in the dream made me a bit curious though. There was one aspect in my dream that was present in others before while I was still dating my ex. That aspect is miscarriage.
In other dreams, I would wake up in a bed with my ex laying next to me from severe cramps and blood in between my legs with a deep sense of loss. In my last dream, I didn't have a miscarriage but I was fighting against the demon to keep my pregnancy and right before waking I was carrying my baby on my back while escaping with my real husband. It was this aspect of miscarriage that had me looking up the meaning of miscarriage in dreams. After looking it up, I now know why my dream was so horrifying to my sister.
If pregnancy in dreams represents creativity, what does a miscarriage mean? I looked it up, miscarriage in dreams is the loss of something precious like a relationship, opportunity or a creative idea that never reached fruition. This specifically applies to me, because anyone that knows me will say I am a very creative person but for the last few years what have I actually created. What had I accomplished towards my career while I was so focused on being with my ex? The answer is nothing. I didn't start to put all my energy into my dreams until after "I got rid of the parasite that was sucking the life out of me" as my lovely sister would say.
So I plan to protect my dreams like a mother protecting her child. Passionately and tirelessly from those that would make me lose them. I am not so young that I can afford to miscarry any more dreams.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
It's been awhile and I have been sporadic with my blogs. I apologize especially since my New Years Resolution was to write everyday. I have been writing and I have a few projects that I am working on that make it hard for me to keep up with the blog. Plus I don't won't all the drama of the work place to find it's way on here. That would not be very good.
This morning while checking Facebook, I see an acquaintance's status that is practically a dissertation on how women should be treating their men. This wouldn't really annoy me if this was not a constant theme of his. I almost got real ugly and post a comment asking, "If you're so great and you know how to treat a woman, why are you still single?" I admit there were a few statuses in the past that I was ok with, but now this seems like a bitter man that can't find a woman that will treat him the way he feels he deserves. And out of his bitterness, he feels it's necessary to get on his online soapbox and preach about how women aren't doing their part and need to do this or that. This pisses me off.
I hate the fact that everything he says targets women directly, and it would come off edifying if there weren't so many quips at women. Anyone who reads my blog, can tell I recently ended serious relationship. Rather than focusing on what my ex did wrong, I examined my faults because I was also accountable. I didn't stand my ground when I should have, I didn't leave when the signs said it clearly to everyone else that I should. I explained how his actions changed me and helped me grow. I didn't get on my soapbox and start telling men what they are doing wrong and how they really need to treat the women they say they love. I really don't care about wrongdoings to that extent.
I feel when people address the root of their problems, the way they treat others, especially their love ones, will be corrected. It's a personal journey I had to take myself, so why would I tell people about their wrong decisions and try to correct their behavior through nagging. We all know nagging accomplishes nothing. It doesn't even work on children. So why would nagging work on adults. The only animal that you can train is a dog. You can show a dog what to do. Then with words and reinforcement, they are trained to respond just to a word, phrase or tone. Humans don't work that way. Humans can clearly know something is wrong and still do it. So knowing something is wrong changes nothing in people's behavior. Humans must see the fault, examine it and understand its origin before they can change.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
I had to think about this for such a long time before actually sitting here and writing this. I would be wrong if I didn’t say there was a little fear of the public reaction to it, but I have some thoughts that I really need to share and also get some real feed back on. This is the internet so I am sure there will be ignorance and hate that will be started because of this, but this is obviously something that needs to be thought about. In recent years, there has been a lot of debate on legalizing gay marriage. In more recent news the CEO of a well known Christian restaurant chain was asked his opinion on Gay marriage. The public’s reaction to the obvious answer has raised more questions to a national dilemma. Where is this leading our society? Could religious persecution be next?
I have read the reasons behind the Gay Rights movement. As an American citizen I do understand the appearance of their rights being infringed upon. I read about wills being discarded, custody being taken away, the health insurance and many others. But reading the poignant stories, I ask how are these situations unique to the Gay community?
Everyone knows about the dispute between Anna Nicole Smith and her step son, over her husband’s will. The custody battles over a deceased partner’s kids with their family is nothing new either. No matter who you are, most people feel more comfortable when their blood is being raised by blood (we have all heard the scary step-parent stories). There have even been times when family has interceded to take custody away from biological parents when the parents are seen as unfit. So on these stories, I don’t see anything particularly unique. It’s just one American using his right to question another American’s right to an estate or custody of their sister’s kids. On the health insurance thing, now that is something that is unique. I don’t understand why you can’t add whoever you want to an insurance you are PAYING for. As a consumer in a Capitalist society, this really doesn’t make sense, even without bringing gay rights into it.
Now let’s look at the opposition. What are all these bible thumpers against? As a Christian myself, I have been very confused on the gay rights issue. I do not like the unfairness that homosexual people have to face, but I also do not agree with the lifestyle or the tactics that are being used either. I feel like this is a pill that I am being forced to swallow. Why is it ok for people to flaunt in my face something that I think is wrong, but I am not able to say that I think it is wrong?
The only things I can’t have an opinion about are the things that I don’t know about. My mom raised me a certain way. I know that if I do something that she does not agree with, once she knows about it, she will tell me her opinion. That also means that things that I don’t want her opinion on, I keep from her knowledge. It’s the same for almost every one I know and have met. As soon as they see something they don’t agree with, you know it. Smoking is wrong. Drinking is wrong. Sex before marriage is wrong. Wearing fur is wrong. Homosexuality is wrong. Abortion is wrong.
However I am starting to see a train of thought that is tainting everyone’s actions and reactions. “Drinking is wrong. John drinks. Therefore John is bad.” The thought that people are judging them when they are told something they are doing is wrong, makes it obvious that if you don’t want to seem judgmental, keep your opinion to yourself. Honestly speaking, for the most part, that is true. No one is perfect but we like to weigh our wrongness against the wrongness of others. It makes us feel better about ourselves. I may be “this”, but at least I’m not “that”. Unfortunately, it’s the imperfect “Christians” that are the loudest to point out someone else’s wrong. The saddest thing is that they are less forgiving of gay people than they are of murderers, thieves, prostitutes and gangsters.
I have to admit that before I read on the Gay rights movement, I was taking a rigid standpoint. I saw only the fact that all the flamboyant people want to force me to accept something as right that my religious beliefs say is wrong. The tactics of the Gay rights movement had me on the defensive. Like I had to not only protect my beliefs, I had to assert them. In spite of the fact that I have associates and people that I highly respect that are gay, I was rigid about it. Never had a discussion with them about it because I know we would disagree and I didn’t want heated words to ruin those relationships. Fortunately these people were discreet about it. I know they are gay and they know I know. It’s not to the point of cross dressing. It never becomes a point of discussion, because their discretion makes it obvious that I am not privy to their personal business. I respect them more for that because I feel their respect for me.
However not everyone is as respectful of other’s decisions and opinions. So with the Gay Right movement in full swing, does anyone else feel that America is only a few Radicals away from religious persecution?