Missed Out on a Good Thing?

It’s seems to me that after a relationship ends, there are two types of people. The one that got everything they wanted and the one that gave the other everything they wanted.  The receiver comes away for the most part unscathed.  If they weren’t the one that ended the relationship, they probably feel a little pain at the inconvenient loss of the person that was so eager to please them.  The giver in this relationship however, goes through the stages of mourning.  Even when they had to finally end it because their needs weren’t being met, the heart places them in denial.  She is unwilling to accept that the person she gave her all to doesn’t want her, and was using her.  She wants to live in the fantasy even after breaking up.  She wants to continue to treasure the beautiful memories between them.  She doesn’t want to accept that everything she had, was and gave still was not enough for him to love and treasure her.  She even carries the small hope that he will soon realize what a good thing she is and come crawling back on all fours to get her.

It’s when she starts to lose the hope of reconciliation, that she looks at all the things she did and anger rises in her.  She begins to hate all the effort she put into it, because it makes her feel stupid and naïve.  So instead of taking her portion of responsibility, she turns that outward.  She starts to say in order to console herself, “He missed out on a good thing.” I have heard that often from friends when they end relationships. “It’s their loss.”  I’ve even said this before.  It’s a bit comforting thinking about him looking back and feeling utter agony at missing out on such a good thing. But did he really? 

Not trying to imply that she is not a good thing, but how exactly did he miss out?  She was clearly giving everything she had, so what did he miss? The truth is he didn’t out on anything.  He took everything she gave with no intentions of keeping it for himself in the first place. That is all. He missed out on nothing.  And chances are in the future, he’ll miss these “good memories” with the same reminiscence that an adult misses the good times of their childhood.  With no real desire to go back, just wishing it had lasted a bit longer before ending. Not even aware of the emotional scars those “good memories” have left with the woman, that has to console herself with useless thoughts like “He missed out.”

The “He missed out,” sentiment can only do so much to keep the pain at bay, because at some point the thought “If I’m such a good thing, why didn’t he want me anyway?” will come.  This thought will  cause the depression stage to happen, before finally acceptance. But let’s stay on the “good thing” sentiment.  In no way, am I saying that anyone in a situation like this, is not a good thing.  Just think, if you truly thought you were such a good thing, then why didn’t you treat yourself better in your dealings with him?  Even if you truly loved him, why didn’t you love yourself a bit more to make him earn all the things you were willing to give?

Don’t cloud your thoughts with “love can’t be earned” sentiments. That it is something freely given. Even though it’s true, a person still must earn the benefits of love.  Look at John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” If we look at this verse, Love was freely given, but the benefits from that love came with a condition.  All Christians know that one must earn our salvation, not God’s love.  That was freely given.  So lets apply this to dating.  You can and should love freely, but the benefits of love should and must be earned.

It’s not selfish to require a person to earn the benefits of your love. It’s what should be done, it gives the other person the responsibility on whether they attain what you offer or not. It protects you from feeling used up and dried out.  People will take things offered, even if its not something they want.  People love free things.  But free things are underappreciated and often quickly forgotten.  It’s not to say that you should be the only person receiving, no. It means there must be a balance.  Never give when there is doubt, or insecurity.  Giving all you have is not going to make those go away.  Only when that person does what is necessary to lay aside all doubt will it leave.  It’s not an internal struggle.  It’s not up to you to earn your trust or your good favor.  And how will you feel a person’s love for you if they are never inspired to do anything for it. Just set your self worth and then wait for that person to know, “She is worth it and more.”  Then and only then will you both be able to rejoice in Love as God intended. Then you won’t have to console yourself with “He missed out” because you really just gave it away.