Why I moved on

I learned some very painful lessons with my first love. I learned that just because I love him doesn’t mean he loves me. I learned that I shouldn’t judge everyone by my own standard. Meaning because I won’t cheat doesn’t mean he won’t either. Maybe the most painful lesson of all is recognizing that while I was planning a future around him, he was planning a future for himself without me. But I think the most important and final lesson that people must learn once a relationship is over is not letting go, but moving on.

We hear a lot of things as women that causes us to be able to carry a torch for years after we are no longer a thought in their heads. Sayings like “Let it go and if it comes back, its yours,” serve to make it hard for women to move on. We let things go and in the back of our heads keep looking for signs of its return. Anyone can tell you that it’s impossible to move forward if you are looking back. So the most important and the hardest lesson is moving on.

This is necessary for your life and for your future love. In order for you to be open to anyone that will want to be with you in the future, you must completely close the door of your relationship and move on. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to throw yourself back into the dating pool or walk into someone else’s arms, in fact, I advise against that. If you’re like me, you may have sustained some pretty bad emotional wounds and they take time to heal even after you moved on. You owe it to yourself and your future spouse to take the time to heal to prevent any future harm. You will have scars but it’s a closed wound, not open and bleeding into your future relationship. I bet you’re wondering what’s the difference between letting go and moving on. I can give you the difference as my heart began to learn it and my head began to make sense of it.

My relationship had a lot of problems and dissatisfaction. If you’ve been following my blog you have a pretty good idea of what went wrong. I admit, I broke up with my ex, but I hadn’t let go when I broke up with him. I still had expectations from him. I expected him to try to correct the wrong he did. And even though I knew he couldn’t correct it, I at least expected for him to allow me to expend all my frustration and pain from his betrayal on him at least. I think I really began to let go when I received a potted butterfly orchid, my favorite flower, from him.

The thing is, I have been mentioning this flower for about a year and a half, along with other non too subtle things I wanted him to do. I even found myself checking my mail box in case he finally decided to write me the love letter that I have been wanting for ages. I waited a week before I checked the mail. Honestly I was expecting my mail box to be filled with lovely handwritten letters. So imagine how I felt when I received my favorite flower, ordered offline, with some typed note in it (I don’t think I even know what his handwriting looks like). I can’t even remember what it said. It probably said “Sorry.” So much for effort and sincerity. When I saw this, I let go. I knew then that I could wait for the rest of my life and he would never give me what I truly wanted, just the things he was willing to give. Can you imagine that even knowing this, I still had not moved on. Why? The answer is quite simple. I love him and I still wanted to be with him. So what event caused me to move on?

Well, my ex always seem to have these periodic M.I.A. moments. Things are going along fine and bam! I can’t reach him, and he hasn’t called.  I often believed it was technical issues, but after recent events I am not so sure anymore. So imagine my reaction when he pulled yet another M.I.A. Since he had lowered my expectations for him so far I didn’t try too hard to reach him. About fours days after we last spoke, he finally sent a text saying that some things had happened on his end and he was taking time to pray about things. I was a bit angry, but that cooled quickly. I just didn’t care anymore. His excuses meant nothing to me. I was really finish. My friend Tre said, “It’s true that when a women is finished with you she just doesn’t care anymore.” My response was, “If he wanted my care and concern, he would have given me something to care about.” The message probably took less than a minute to type and it could have been sent four days ago. I didn’t respond or call him ever since then.

The day before he sent the message, I had already moved on. I even sent him a message the day before he text me. Reading it, it doesn’t seem like a good bye message. It doesn’t even have a farewell in it. Just a few lines of gratitude for the lessons in love I learned from him.  I had already realized that I wanted something better and I wanted it more than I wanted him. So when he disappeared yet again, I moved on. Thinking of the future I would have if I stayed with him turned me away. How could I not expect for him to do this even with kids? He has not changed in the three years I’ve known him, why should I expect for him to change in the future? What can I say to my kids when their father just decides not to come home one day? What would I say when they look at me and ask, “Where’s daddy?” This is why I moved on. I had stopped looking at him as a lover and started to look at him as a possible husband and father of my kids. When I started to evaluate him for the future I really wanted to build, he came up severely lacking.  Even though I loved him and wanted to be with him, the life I wanted to have with him was not possible.  He can not be that man. So I moved on.

I learned the difference between letting go and moving on.  You can let go of someone and forever after hope for his return to you. Moving on is just that, Moving on. Not looking back, not hoping for his return. Not hoping for him to FINALLY realize what you could have together if he just gets his act together. You completely separate those thoughts from you, moving on to true happiness. Even though you may have truly wanted to be with him, and acknowledging the possibility for the desire to remain for a long time, still move on. I moved on from his reality. I removed him from the dream I had built with him at the center. The dream is still good, but he can no longer have any part of it.