Thursday, January 26, 2012

how can Love not be enough? part 2

I started this particular subject because of an issue that’s very important to me.  From what readers can glean from statements in part 1, I am in a relationship and the person I love is selfish.  I even went on to further to explain how I know he's  selfish and why its wrong.  I use a lot of biblical references. That’s something that won’t change. I don’t stand on a foundation of self because I know it’s subject to change.  Therefore I stand on an unchangeable truth. The Word.  So to get people back to the subject, I will start with an excuse that I really have no patience for. The “I don’t know” excuse people use.  I may have less patience for it because my mom also had no patience for it. But so many people still use this excuse so often.I will just ask one question of you.  So after realizing that you have been selfish and that you do love a person, you also come to the realization that you have absolutely no idea what to do to show your love.  What do you do?


One thing about myself is that I ask a lot of questions. I always have. My mom told me once that the only way for me to find out something will be to ask.  The knowledge doesn’t just drop out of the sky. You ask a question, you receive an answer.  You do this at the beginning of a relationship. You ask all types of questions about a persons likes, a persons dislikes, their desires, hopes, dreams, and their past.  You ask all these things to get to know a person, to see how compatible you are, and even how to please them.  So even after all these questions you find yourself in love and have no idea what to do.  So if you could ask for all the other answers on the way to love, why wouldn’t you  ask what is required of you after you are in love? It doesn’t really make sense to me.  Musiq Soulchild said it nicely, “Teach me how to love.” 

So let’s say you and your partner are in love.  But even as you are happy, you’re not content.  So in your discontent, and trying to solve the problem.  You talk to your partner. He seems surprised, bewildered and even frustrated.  He has been showing he cared and even has been saying the L word on occasion.  So he’s been thinking that he’s been doing a good job up until you opened your mouth saying it wasn’t enough.  He listens and after you finished talking, he says quite simply “I don’t know how,” as if that sound be answer enough. ARGH!!!!! I don’t know about others, but I hate this reasoning.  Yes I HATE this excuse. So much that I practically see red. “You don’t know? Well, Why don’t you know?”  If you’ve encountered this excuse, you are probably just started realizing that your partner is selfish.  That his caring all stems from himself rather than a deep seated desire to please you.  Because if he loved you, how could he have a desire to show he loves you and walk around day to day without knowing for sure that he is doing so.  And how could he be sure? Nothing in him would give him the knowledge, his only way to know is to ask you. To talk to you.  So once again, I turn to the word to try to find some comfort.

There are so many examples but lets use 2 Timothy 2:15 “Study to shew thyself approved unto God…” This has been verse that has stuck with me since childhood and has been on my mind much recently in one way or another.  All of it stems from the knowledge that I love God, and I want to please him. I can’t find the answer in myself, because I am human. By nature, I am selfish so why would I ask my selfish self how to please God.  So if I can’t trust myself and I trust others to be just as selfish as I, how will I find the answer?  The only answer I have been able to come up with is by studying.   Once I had reached the spiritual awareness of my selfishness I didn’t want to be selfish towards God or the man I loved. So I have tried to apply this to the best of my ability.  The frustrating part is when the effort I put in doesn’t seem to be match by my partner.  The heartbreaking part is that it leaves me to wonder if it’s because he’s not aware of his selfish form of caring and hasn’t reached that awareness yet, or if it’s because he just doesn’t care but is going through the motions.  This is where I began to wonder if my love is enough.  And at what point do I start to turn away from the person I love?  Do I turn away? What is to be done?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Clef of Infinity: how can Love not be enough? part 1

Girl meets Boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl begins to wonder if he feels the same for her. It's something that everyone goes through this.  The feeling that after you have given so much of yourself, and for what ever reason the one you love doesn't seem to care for you the same. I am not the only out there that has felt this way. But when you start feeling this, and start to feel that maybe love is not enough; what is there to be done?

There may be others who like to say they are spiritual and not religious, but this writer is religious. And my faith stands on the Word.  Period. So even this sinning individual, still turns to Christ for knowledge and understanding.  God gave me a better understanding of Him and love. And it all started with a prayer a few years ago when I asked God to show me what love is and to help strengthen my relationship with Him. I am very happy that God answers prayers.  And before I even knew it I had started a relationship.  I can’t say I made all the wisest or best choices while in this relationship, but I do know that I love him.  The reason I know that I love him is that the realization came to me as my heart was breaking. I wasn’t even thinking about love and was taking it a day at a time when I had to face myself honestly. No denial, no fear, just acceptance.  And it leaves me with a feeling of awe at the knowledge that I love him.  But then when I look at him and began to wonder about how he feels for me.  The pain is so… so painful.  I can’t really describe the pain, but how would you feel? How would you feel if the one you wanted to know completely seemed to lack the desire to know you?  How would you feel if the person you had given so much of yourself to was still holding back themselves?  How would you feel if the one you would deny yourself for wouldn’t be willing to inconvenience themselves in the least for you?  Don’t go too far, I am not saying that the man I love for is so uncaring, but when doubt creeps into the mind you see shadows even in light.  I can’t trust on my own sight so I just ask God to enlighten me.  I can’t trust my own heart, because the heart can be swayed by feelings instead of truth. Jeremiah 17:9 

Before you start to get confused about not trusting my feelings but yet knowing my love is true being a contradiction, let me explain. It’s quite simple. Love is not an emotion. Just sit and think about it. You love your parents and siblings, but they make you angry, they make you happy, they make you feel a whole range of emotions before your life will end.  So how could Love be an emotion? I don’t know about others but I have never managed to feel two emotions at the same time.  One always wins out after some consideration and takes over.  And if that isn’t enough for you to chew on, chew on this. 1 John 4:8. How can love be an emotion when the bible says “…God is love.”? So with all these emotions swirling around and the knowledge that I do love him, I began to wonder why am I feeling like I should give up.  And as that thought was starting to sink its teeth into me. I was awoken by my sister and as I encouraged her, I found myself reminded of God.


If you think about it, the relationship between man and woman is supposed to mirror the relationship between God and the church.  Instead of focusing what it should be like, I found myself wondering how God feels.  God has all of creation and his masterpiece, mankind, is too selfish to love him.  I know I am far from being able to love in the same capacity that God loves, but I am trying to be as close as possible.  He has done so much for us, given so much for us, sacrificed for us as well, but most will never acknowledge how selfish they are, even the ones that claim they love him.  I began to see this even in my relationship, the selfishness of my partner. Knowing that he doesn’t see it himself.  Does that stop me from loving him? No, but I am comforted by the fact that it hasn’t stopped God from loving us.  I know that my partner is in a place right now that a lot of people are. He wants to care for me the way he wants to and not how I want and yearn to be loved.  But most people will try to say to themselves he can love you even without showing it.  God doesn’t accept that form of caring so why should I? God clearly says in John 14:15 “If ye love Me, keep My commandments.” He also says, “…O vain man, [that] faith without works is dead” in James 2:20. 
I am very understanding of this selfishness. I was selfish too. I was in this exact stubborn place, thinking that the way I wanted to show how I cared for a person was enough.  Even feeling frustration and anger towards the people I care about when they would let me know it wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t until I was faced with the emptiness inside that couldn’t be filled. The despair of loneliness killing me. Wondering how I could feel this way when so much in the bible says that I shouldn’t.  Then it hit me one day, while out eating with my favorite teacher. He made a simple statement. He said, “It’s basically as if God gave you a basket of fruit, and then asked you to give Him an apple out of the basket. You turn to God and say, “Naw, I really like apples. How about I give you an orange? It’s all fruit.” 

With this statement in my head, I thought back to my teen years and my lack of love to my mom.  My mom always liked to ask for the last bite of my sandwich.  I always saved the best part of my sandwich for that last bite.  I often said no.  But feelings of guilt after denying my mom would take away the pleasure of eating the bite I was saving.  So in order to forego any guilty feelings I began to ask my mom if she wanted a bite of my sandwich before I even took a bite.  I even went so far as to ask if she wanted me to make her a sandwich before I made one for myself.  There was times she would say yes and others she said no.  I remember one particular time after her saying no to my offer of making her a sandwich. Just when I was about to take my last bite, she asks for a bite. Of course being disgruntled because after all my endeavors to ensure I’d have the last bite for myself she asked for it.  I lashed out in anger.  After I got in trouble and my mom put me in my place.   I was feeling lower than dirt when she asked me how I could deny her anything after all she has done for me.  She finally told me she really didn’t want a bite, she just wanted to see if I would give it to her.  After that time, I always gave her a bite whenever she asked. Looking back I see all my selfishness.  All my so called caring acts were really just my selfish desire not to share.  I spent so much energy being selfish.  I wouldn’t have had to waste so much effort if I had just gave in from the start.  Did I not love my mom? The answer is obvious. I cared for her.  When I realized I loved my mom, my selfishness began to melt away.  This was how God revealed my selfishness and I see it in my partner.  What can help? Nothing. God is the only answer and always has been.  So keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that God is love, ask yourself. How can love not be enough?

I have more to say on this subject but for today I will have to stop here. I would like readers that this is what I have found to be true. This all stems from my thirst for truth. I don’t want to think I am right or believe I am. I want to know I am. I also want to share my thoughts with other and gain more understanding.  I welcome all comments, even ignorant ones.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Clef of Infinity: an introduction

Growing up, I have had two things that I loved, and the first two lead me to my true love, which is writing. The first was reading and the second was music. This nerd was always reading. Sometimes two or three books at a time. Books always took me to a place other then the one I was in and filled me with wonder. Music has always been present, and seems to have a profound affect on me. It’s something about hearing that perfect song that so aptly describes the mood I’m in, the thoughts I am thinking or even encouraging me when I am feeling low.  Reading, writing and music is so much a part of me for so many reasons. Reasons that I will not be going into today. But during the course of this series, I’m sure it will be explained. Now its time to get to the reason for this blog.

I stated earlier that I love to write. Unfortunately, I haven’t been writing. The one creative outlet that I have at the moment, I seemed to, for so many silly reasons, have denied myself. And it’s a New Year’s resolution to push myself harder this year, than the last. And of course, the one way I am going to push myself is to write everyday. And so that’s the reason why I am writing this. It’s not because I have something uniquely profound to say, or even that much wisdom to impart. If I was half as wise as I like to think, there is no way my life would be the way it is now. But that’s for another day. So while I am trying to come up with a way to write every day, I needed something to allow myself to write everyday without the cop out “journal.”  So while searching for a way to make sure I write everyday even if its not on one of the many scripts I’ve started and never seemed to finish or the book I recently started. I needed something that was simple and without much pressure but more committing than a simple diary. Which leads to the inspiration for this.

I seem to have formed an addiction to Asian romantic comedies. Well the one I am recently watching, “Real Love Please Ring the Bell Twice,” gave me the inspiration. One of the main characters has a treble Clef as his lucky symbol. It was given to him by his pianist mother and was told that all beautiful music starts with a clef. So in life all you need is a clef and you can compose a piece of happiness.  This was very cute when I first saw this, because anyone that knows a little French or plays an instrument, knows that clef means “key.” So you only need a key to create your own happiness. That’s a nice thought already, but it gets much better as the romance deepens and talk of marriage arise. 

The main character wanting to share his luck and happiness, he decides to pass on another musical symbol to the woman in his life. He gives her a semibreve, a whole note.  Not doing much for you yet, is it? It wasn’t for me either. He had a necklace designed with two whole notes entwined.  And what does two whole notes entwined look like? It looks like the mathematical symbol for infinity.infinityLogo Now isn’t that wonderful. Of course at this point in the show a light bulb has gone off in my head and I know how I am going to start off my resolution to write everyday.  With a clef.

What can describe where I am right now in my life better than this? Holding a key and not really know what to do with it. I know one thing for certain though.  That is only I hold the key to my own happiness and only I can do what needs to be done to obtain it. So with the infinite possibilities before me, and now having a title for my series, I a going to write... And write… And even when I don’t feel inspired, to write. Who knows what this series will be about. I can honestly say that I really don’t know.  But just like with all the combination of notes for music is infinite, the possibilities are infinite. So I will just take it one day at a time.