Saturday, March 31, 2012

I Still Pray for You

It’s quite obvious by main focus of recent blogs being about ending a relationship that these topics are very close to my heart and mind.  The first thing that you learn after ending the relationship is that the feelings don’t end with it.  You feel the agony of reality.  As a woman, it’s very easy to get caught up in fantasy and build our castles in the sky.  The reality is that gravity brings every down to earth.  The other thing is while we are seeing all these fantastical things of how great it could be, we still must live in reality.  So even as we build our castles in the sky, gravity is already at work bringing it back to earth.
It goes without saying that the landing is not pleasant and you come away badly hurt if not broken.  It’s at the moment when you look back at the wreckage of what use to be your dream that utter despair sets in. There’s always that part that is looking for something to salvage it. There’s the part that knows there is nothing to save and it’s best to crawl away without looking back to heal. But you stand there in shock, confusion, agony, and despair all while looking at this beautiful dream you had still wishing it could have worked.
After time passes you turn to God. For strength. For healing… and even as you pray you find yourself at a loss.  Feeling as if your prayer is not complete. It was in this moment of tearful prayer that I understood what the bible meant when it says to pray for the people who have hurt you.  I don’t know about everyone but I often heard people say after another person has hurt them, “I will pray for God to forgive them for they know not what they do.” In this one sentence I always heard smugness and anger in them as if they may be saying that but in their hearts are hoping that person gets what they deserve for hurting “this child of God.” So I never really thought that praying for a person after they hurt you came from a place of love or forgiveness.
It wasn’t until the person I loved hurt me to such a degree that I had to leave, that I cried in pain for myself, him and others. Even as I pray for the strength not to be bitter and punish future men for his mistakes, I pray for him.  I pray for him not to treat the future women in his life the way he treated me. The same way I pray for myself and other drivers on the road right before going on a road trip, I pray for him and myself. I pray that the people that come across our paths in the future are protected from callous decisions that we may make as a result of our past.  I pray he truly learns how to treasure a woman. I pray I learn how to love myself as much as I loved him. I pray we both take the good from our relationship without it being tainted by the bad.  Even as I hurt, I pray for healing for him as well as myself.  I don’t focus on the reasons why these prayers are necessary.  They just are. I prayed throughout our relationship, for him as well as myself, and I thought that once it ended my prayers for him will stop as well.  But just as the feelings are still there, I still carry him in my spirit. So I also pray that God can change the way I carry this, instead of carrying thoughts of a future husband that didn’t work, I carry a past friend.  I don’t know if I will ever stop praying for him. But for now I still do, and I won’t get upset about it.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Missed Out on a Good Thing?

It’s seems to me that after a relationship ends, there are two types of people. The one that got everything they wanted and the one that gave the other everything they wanted.  The receiver comes away for the most part unscathed.  If they weren’t the one that ended the relationship, they probably feel a little pain at the inconvenient loss of the person that was so eager to please them.  The giver in this relationship however, goes through the stages of mourning.  Even when they had to finally end it because their needs weren’t being met, the heart places them in denial.  She is unwilling to accept that the person she gave her all to doesn’t want her, and was using her.  She wants to live in the fantasy even after breaking up.  She wants to continue to treasure the beautiful memories between them.  She doesn’t want to accept that everything she had, was and gave still was not enough for him to love and treasure her.  She even carries the small hope that he will soon realize what a good thing she is and come crawling back on all fours to get her.

It’s when she starts to lose the hope of reconciliation, that she looks at all the things she did and anger rises in her.  She begins to hate all the effort she put into it, because it makes her feel stupid and na├»ve.  So instead of taking her portion of responsibility, she turns that outward.  She starts to say in order to console herself, “He missed out on a good thing.” I have heard that often from friends when they end relationships. “It’s their loss.”  I’ve even said this before.  It’s a bit comforting thinking about him looking back and feeling utter agony at missing out on such a good thing. But did he really? 


Not trying to imply that she is not a good thing, but how exactly did he miss out?  She was clearly giving everything she had, so what did he miss? The truth is he didn’t out on anything.  He took everything she gave with no intentions of keeping it for himself in the first place. That is all. He missed out on nothing.  And chances are in the future, he’ll miss these “good memories” with the same reminiscence that an adult misses the good times of their childhood.  With no real desire to go back, just wishing it had lasted a bit longer before ending. Not even aware of the emotional scars those “good memories” have left with the woman, that has to console herself with useless thoughts like “He missed out.”

The “He missed out,” sentiment can only do so much to keep the pain at bay, because at some point the thought “If I’m such a good thing, why didn’t he want me anyway?” will come.  This thought will  cause the depression stage to happen, before finally acceptance. But let’s stay on the “good thing” sentiment.  In no way, am I saying that anyone in a situation like this, is not a good thing.  Just think, if you truly thought you were such a good thing, then why didn’t you treat yourself better in your dealings with him?  Even if you truly loved him, why didn’t you love yourself a bit more to make him earn all the things you were willing to give?

Don’t cloud your thoughts with “love can’t be earned” sentiments. That it is something freely given. Even though it’s true, a person still must earn the benefits of love.  Look at John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” If we look at this verse, Love was freely given, but the benefits from that love came with a condition.  All Christians know that one must earn our salvation, not God’s love.  That was freely given.  So lets apply this to dating.  You can and should love freely, but the benefits of love should and must be earned.

It’s not selfish to require a person to earn the benefits of your love. It’s what should be done, it gives the other person the responsibility on whether they attain what you offer or not. It protects you from feeling used up and dried out.  People will take things offered, even if its not something they want.  People love free things.  But free things are underappreciated and often quickly forgotten.  It’s not to say that you should be the only person receiving, no. It means there must be a balance.  Never give when there is doubt, or insecurity.  Giving all you have is not going to make those go away.  Only when that person does what is necessary to lay aside all doubt will it leave.  It’s not an internal struggle.  It’s not up to you to earn your trust or your good favor.  And how will you feel a person’s love for you if they are never inspired to do anything for it. Just set your self worth and then wait for that person to know, “She is worth it and more.”  Then and only then will you both be able to rejoice in Love as God intended. Then you won’t have to console yourself with “He missed out” because you really just gave it away.

Does “No Take Backs” apply to Breakups?

You were in a relationship. Things were good, and gifts were given. Both from one to the other in love. I have always heard that when an engaged couple breaks up, there are certain regulations on how gifts are returned. I have always been told that if the woman breaks it off she has to return the ring, but if the man breaks it off then the woman gets to keep the ring. But what if the woman calls it off because the man was cheating? He was the wrong doer, so why should she return the ring? What if she got him an expensive gift? Is she right to ask for the return of gifts given in love? What would you do in the situation?

return gift

The scenario is a girl that loves her boyfriend gets him a tablet for his birthday.  Then shortly thereafter, she learns that he has been unfaithful.  Of course one of the first things in her head is, “Damn, I wish I knew this before I spent all my money on that gift.” So now she is thinking about all she has given during the course of the relationship, of course her monetary gifts are not comparable to his, but she was faithful and felt those were deserved.  Now the tablet has become the physical symbol of all her effort towards her relationship and while she may not be able to get her wasted emotions back, she can ask for the tablet back. Speaking to a male friend, he says she should ask for the tablet back. She feels that since it was a gift she doesn’t have a right to ask for it back. But he says, “Yes, you do. It was a gift to a faithful lover. You’re not just getting tired of him and breaking up, he has betrayed you! It’s only right for you to get it back.”  Of course just because you ask doesn’t mean the person will return the gift to you.

I think of it as a lesson in love. All lessons learned are taught at a price. Some are just more expensive.  Let’s just assume that if she had stayed with her cheating boyfriend and he continued to cause her heartache, what would the price have been then?  There are other people that learn their lessons much later after tragic circumstances like getting pregnant or catching an STD.  When thinking like this, a mere $500 is nothing.  How much would you pay to be rid of a person that is bad for your life? I think its perfectly understandable to ask for a gift back after a betrayal has been revealed, but don’t get caught up on the gift. The point is to move on and count it as tuition. Lesson learned and move on.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I Love You, Let’s Break Up

Not all good thing things come to an end.  It would be great if all bad things did, but it not so.  Even with a bad relationship, it’s hard to walk away.  All those memories of good times and feelings make you wish there was a way for you to stay. It’s especially after you say “I think we should break,” and they calmly accept it, that you feel awful. As if a part of you was hoping that he would try to convince you to stay. But he doesn’t, you end things and you move into the mourning phase. Self reflection makes you wonder about the reasons of why you were sure that you can’t be together anymore even though you love him. That’s when I think back on how they say sometimes love isn’t enough. I even wrote on it a few times. I didn’t understand it before even as I watched the movie “Disappearing Acts,” and still couldn’t understand why they couldn’t be together when they obviously love each other. break-up
That’s when I think of my own situation. It takes a strong person to know what they can endure.  I know how I feel about the man I love. It’s there, it’s real, and I will probably always love him. But I even ask myself, why did it have to end anyway? I know myself and after recent events, I know that the life I wanted for us can not be anymore, at least not with the person I am presently.  This is not saying that he couldn’t become the ideal husband for me in the future, doing all the things necessary to keep me happy. It’s because of me.  There have been too many bad examples of relationships in my life.  And the one thing I wanted for myself since childhood was a marriage completely different from my parents.  Their example has made it nearly impossible for me not to make our relationship bad if we continued.

I can forgive, but there is no such thing as forgetting. The forget part just means it’s no longer a part of your thoughts and it doesn’t effect the decisions you make regarding your loved one.  The most detrimental thing to a relationship is cheating. In the bible, adultery is the only reason God gives for putting your spouse aside. It doesn’t say that you have to, but if you were going to get a divorce, cheating is the only acceptable reason. I often thought about why cheating would be the only acceptable reason, why not domestic violence, or failing to provide, etc.  I understand now why those other reasons shouldn’t matter. If those signs of a person not being good for you didn’t deter you from saying “I do,” why should it matter after?  But cheating is another thing. Everyone tempted daily to do the wrong things, some are  just better than others at fighting off temptation. But there is a backlash to betrayal, trust is broken.  Not everyone is capable of trusting again once betrayed.

It’s not a good or bad thing, it just is. It’s as Mr. Darcy said in Jane Austen’s “Pride & Prejudice,” “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” Darcy was very straight forward in knowing that it doesn’t matter about the virtue and vices of others, seeing as everyone has them both. He was only concerned with the fact that the person did something to lose his good opinion. In life it’s not just one thing, but the sum of things that makes you leave a certain person alone. It doesn’t mean that you hate them or think about their faults when they are not in your presence, it just means you don’t allow them to be around you. It’s like a lasting impression, one that you can’t remove from your thoughts when you have to face them.

Imagine you are a person like Mr. Darcy, but add in the love you have for a person. They have lost your trust, but you love them.  Considering the way you feel about them, you try to make it work. But your trust is broken and as the person you are now it can’t be fixed. So now you find yourself, looking on in suspicion on everything that person does, and the people of the opposite sex that surrounds them.  Wanting to control that persons life from that point on. Control who are their friends, control how they spend their daily time. That’s tiring for both you and your partner. It’s not the life of happiness that you envisioned for yourself. So why tire yourself out trying to make this broken relationship work, when you can just move on? Even if you may love that person until death, you need to know yourself when you make decisions. Of course that doesn’t mean that you may not end up together.  There may be a need for maturation on both sides of the relationship, a maturity that must happen without each other.  And even if leaving is not the right decision for the situation, God has a way of fixing things and restoring something that we thought was pass redemption.  So don’t be afraid to make a choice, even if it’s the hard one. Just pray, and let go. That is all.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Please me, not Placate

When I was younger and thought of the man I wanted to marry and what qualities he needed to possess, this list I thought was very straightforward. Handsome, tall, funny, intelligent, loves God, no kids and doesn’t smoke. I was so serious about this that I even prayed that God protect the heart and life of my future husband and keep him from making mistakes that would make him hard to be with. As I have gotten older and gained more dating experience, the list has grown significantly.  Recently my dating experience has me focused on the idea of pleasing a person. 
In a relationship, there are going to be things that the other person will want that the other person could live without. The man loves sex, the woman wants security.  The thing about today’s society that it is easier for a man to get what he wants while not giving the woman what she wants.  Towards the end of my relationship, right when I was debating on whether I could continue on with the person I loved or not, I got an epiphany.  I had always given in to his wants easily where as the things I wanted were always given after I threw a fit.  Things that should come naturally in a relationship.  Things like making it official, setting boundaries for female friends that are crossing the line, saying “I love you,” meeting the parents, making plans for a future together.  Things like this should have happened naturally after communication and consideration.  But I often found the things I wanted not happening so after waiting months for progress, I would finally throw a fit and he would give in. 

I admit that I made many excuses for why he was reluctant to give me the things that I wanted. Like he was holding onto past hurt, which was preventing him from giving me the things I wanted and such. It was this thought process that allowed me to fool myself into thinking that he cared, because he always gave in at my insistence.  It wasn’t until towards the end of our relationship once I started to accept the thought that maybe he didn’t care for me as much as I thought all along.  So imagine when yet another problem has cropped up in our relationship, and now he wants to give me the one thing I have been wanting all along.  So even as he is making a promise for a future together, I find myself thinking “why is it after you mess up you become so willing to give me the things I had wanted all along?” This one thought made me think of all the other instances and I finally realized there was not one thing I really wanted that he just gave to me after asking. I always had to get mad enough to leave before he gave in.  Not saying he didn’t do the occasionally sweet things that makes a person momentarily happy.  But when it came to the things that were most important to me, I always had to fight for it.  So image after I start thinking of these things I say to myself, “How in the world did I ever convince myself that he loved me with these little breadcrumbs of affection?”

Now that I know that he wasn’t interested in pleasing me, that he is only interested in placating me to keep me on the shelf I had to move on.  Of course it’s heartbreaking to know that the person that you love doesn’t love you, but that’s life. You live, you love, you learn. The thing I questioned was “What was I giving him that made him feel it necessary to keep me when he didn’t want me?” It’s sad to think that the answer may have been sex, but it is most likely.  Men love sex. I have been told by many married men, both happy and unhappy, that sex is very, VERY important.  Women can go without sex, men can’t. Even knowing that, it’s still hard to accept that the man you have devoted the last few years of your life was only in it for sex and it is very painful. At least with this knowledge, I can move on without looking back. 

It is with this realization, that I move on with the quality of a man willing to please added to my list of what I want in a man.  Even as I move on, I hear all these contradicting thoughts on relationships such as “A man will always try to get you for less than you’re worth” or “A man will never devalue his treasure.” “A man that wants you will step up to bar that you have set.” “Sometimes, you will have to fight for what you want.” It’s these thoughts that have confused me. Now I have learned that it is unwise to give any man the things he wants if he hasn’t earned it, because even a good man won’t treasure something he didn’t ask for and didn’t earn. So telling yourself that you have to fight for love is misguided, a man needs to be a MAN, and a man fights their own battles.  A man will fight for you. A man that loves you will want to please you and he won’t offer up excuses as to why he hasn’t or why it may prevent him from pleasing you in the future. It’s not a manly thought to dwell on hurt, pain or fear of rejection. A man’s life is pain and is constantly filled with rejection. These are just hunting techniques to placate you and make you lower your expectations while allowing him to get the things he wants. Don’t fall for it. I have painfully learned my lesson. I hope others can learn from my mistakes. Look for a man that is after PLEASING his lady, not placating.
I had to add this in. This song is exactly how I feel. Go Jojo

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Caring highly Overrated

There are so many people out there today sharing too much info via Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc. But the main thing I tend to find myself, "Why should I care?" I mean let's get down to some very real facts. Most people are ignorant idiots. They make comments/statements without thinking about who is out there listening/reading. I couldn't care less what you did this morning and what you plan to do later tonight. I really couldn't care how horny you are and how you can put it down. Not everyone is a hoe and look kindly on that stuff. I couldn't care less that you like to show your body online as if you are America's next top model. I couldn't care less that after you've been putting your business out there for all to see for ages, You get mad because someone got pissed off at you and really put you out there on FB. Now you want to delete your page after your business has been put online. Now you want to hide away and keep what should have been private all along, private. Kudos.

Well, that's the price you pay. You wanted to be the big dog online cause you couldn't cut it in real life and now your foolishness had burned you. Hope it's a lesson well learned. Because as a real friend, I'm going to tell you, you shouldn't have been putting yourself out there like that in the first place. Why do you think so jobs don't let their employees have a FB page? Because it gets messy, it can ruin lives. So after the shit hits the fan, don't come running to me of all people expecting me to care. I won't. I don't have the ability to have false sympathy for stupidity. Call me a bad guy. But if people held each other to a higher standard than maybe there wouldn't be so many messes to clean up in our lives. So if you want me to care, then give me a reason to care. Honey Badger Don’t Care, Honey Badger don’t give a Sh*t.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Prejudice killed my Brother

I tried not to give my two cents on this Trayvon Martin case. But there is nothing to Justify Zimmerman’s use of deadly force on this child. If you were walking through an unfamiliar neighborhood and you notice that a man is following you. Most people respond with either Fight or Flight. Trayvon probably felt threatened by Zimmerman’s stalking and decided to defend himself. Zimmerman clearly explains how he saw Trayvon as a suspicious person and proceeded to follow him. Trayvon can not say why he attacked the man because he is dead. We only know that Trayvon was unarmed and had no intention of wrong doing while running an errand. Was he dressed like how most young black men these days dress, like a thug? Yes. I admit that even as a black woman, I myself tended to avoid black men that looked questionable. But going to an HBCU has changed that. I know that there are a lot of people who still don't see it as wrong to dress a certain way and get mad when people assume that you are what you appear to be. I say, “Why wear the uniform, if that is not your lifestyle?”


But back to Trayvon's case. Zimmerman has yet to say what Trayvon's actions were to cause him to be suspicious, other than seeing Trayvon walking down the street. With what circumstantial evidence does Zimmerman offer to make Trayvon look suspicious other than him being an unknown black male dressed like a thug? How is this not racial profiling? Zimmerman could have just openly approached Trayvon to ask him what he was doing in the neighborhood and none of this would have happened. As a man that has been mentoring young Black men before, Zimmerman shouldn't have been so quick to jump to conclusions. A life has been lost as a result, and what kind of consolation to Trayvon's family is an apology? What about other cases that are similar, where a person was so quick to jump to conclusions and took another's life. There is such a thing as Involuntary Man slaughter for a reason. I can forgive man’s crime and prejudice, but I still think people should be held accountable for their actions especially when it costs another's life. The sad part is, even if Trayvon's instinct had been to run away. Zimmerman still probably would have used deadly force because in his mind he had already judged Trayvon to be a threat. The only way to fight prejudice is with communication, A simple "Hello, How are you doing today?" might save many lives.


I see white man with a shaved head and Confederate Flag on his car, I think “Skin on his way to the Klan meeting. Avoid at all Costs.” I see a Black man with his platinum grill, sagging pants, and tattoos, I think “Gangster, probably fresh from prison. Avoid at all Costs.” I see a Black woman with kids and no ring on her finger, I think “I hope those kids have the same daddy, probably not.”  I see a woman at a club barely escaping an indecent exposure arrest, I think “Hoe.” I see a grown man too old to be speaking to a teenage girl, I think “Pedophile.” I see a white person dressed poorly, I think “Poor White Trash.”  I see a fat woman dressed in an outfit even a size 6 would have trouble pulling off, I think “UGH!!! Fat hoe, you have no friends.” I see a Black girl with multicolored hair, I think “Ghetto hoe.” I see a man in skinny jeans or wearing pink, I think “Gay. It’s way too many Low down men.” I meet an unhelpful white person, I think “Racist Cracker.” I see a woman dressed in male clothing, I think “Butch.”  I see a black man with a woman of a different race,  I think “He just wasn’t man enough to deal with a strong black woman.”  I see a Black woman with a White man, I think “It’s sad, but there aren’t that many good brothers out there any more.” I see a successful black man with a white woman, I think “Sell out.” I see white person dressed in all black with red or green hair, I think “Wiccan, Emo, or Cutter.” I see a white person act black, I think “Wannabe.” I see black woman with 19 inches of tracks and processed hair, I think “Lily Complex.” I see an Asian person, I think “Chinese.” I see a Hispanic person, I think “Mexican.” I see a white person with blond hair and blue eyes, I think “Norwegian Nazi descendant.” I see a person with glasses reading, I think “Intelligent.” I see a guy playing Warcraft, I think “40 year old virgin.” I see a Black man driving a nice car while looking like a thug, I think “Bought with drug money, or his Girlfriend’s or mom’s car.” I see a man dressed femininely, I think “Flaming Fairy.” I see a human, I think “Ignorant know it all.”