In a relationship, there are going to be things that the other person will want that the other person could live without. The man loves sex, the woman wants security. The thing about today’s society that it is easier for a man to get what he wants while not giving the woman what she wants. Towards the end of my relationship, right when I was debating on whether I could continue on with the person I loved or not, I got an epiphany. I had always given in to his wants easily where as the things I wanted were always given after I threw a fit. Things that should come naturally in a relationship. Things like making it official, setting boundaries for female friends that are crossing the line, saying “I love you,” meeting the parents, making plans for a future together. Things like this should have happened naturally after communication and consideration. But I often found the things I wanted not happening so after waiting months for progress, I would finally throw a fit and he would give in.
I admit that I made many excuses for why he was reluctant to give me the things that I wanted. Like he was holding onto past hurt, which was preventing him from giving me the things I wanted and such. It was this thought process that allowed me to fool myself into thinking that he cared, because he always gave in at my insistence. It wasn’t until towards the end of our relationship once I started to accept the thought that maybe he didn’t care for me as much as I thought all along. So imagine when yet another problem has cropped up in our relationship, and now he wants to give me the one thing I have been wanting all along. So even as he is making a promise for a future together, I find myself thinking “why is it after you mess up you become so willing to give me the things I had wanted all along?” This one thought made me think of all the other instances and I finally realized there was not one thing I really wanted that he just gave to me after asking. I always had to get mad enough to leave before he gave in. Not saying he didn’t do the occasionally sweet things that makes a person momentarily happy. But when it came to the things that were most important to me, I always had to fight for it. So image after I start thinking of these things I say to myself, “How in the world did I ever convince myself that he loved me with these little breadcrumbs of affection?”
Now that I know that he wasn’t interested in pleasing me, that he is only interested in placating me to keep me on the shelf I had to move on. Of course it’s heartbreaking to know that the person that you love doesn’t love you, but that’s life. You live, you love, you learn. The thing I questioned was “What was I giving him that made him feel it necessary to keep me when he didn’t want me?” It’s sad to think that the answer may have been sex, but it is most likely. Men love sex. I have been told by many married men, both happy and unhappy, that sex is very, VERY important. Women can go without sex, men can’t. Even knowing that, it’s still hard to accept that the man you have devoted the last few years of your life was only in it for sex and it is very painful. At least with this knowledge, I can move on without looking back.
It is with this realization, that I move on with the quality of a man willing to please added to my list of what I want in a man. Even as I move on, I hear all these contradicting thoughts on relationships such as “A man will always try to get you for less than you’re worth” or “A man will never devalue his treasure.” “A man that wants you will step up to bar that you have set.” “Sometimes, you will have to fight for what you want.” It’s these thoughts that have confused me. Now I have learned that it is unwise to give any man the things he wants if he hasn’t earned it, because even a good man won’t treasure something he didn’t ask for and didn’t earn. So telling yourself that you have to fight for love is misguided, a man needs to be a MAN, and a man fights their own battles. A man will fight for you. A man that loves you will want to please you and he won’t offer up excuses as to why he hasn’t or why it may prevent him from pleasing you in the future. It’s not a manly thought to dwell on hurt, pain or fear of rejection. A man’s life is pain and is constantly filled with rejection. These are just hunting techniques to placate you and make you lower your expectations while allowing him to get the things he wants. Don’t fall for it. I have painfully learned my lesson. I hope others can learn from my mistakes. Look for a man that is after PLEASING his lady, not placating.
I had to add this in. This song is exactly how I feel. Go Jojo
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