My Very Own Love Story

Recently, I have been over loading on romance novels and Asian Dramas. It has got me thinking about how I want my love story to be. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but at the same time I never really thought the things that I read in books or see in movies is reality. Where would I find a man that would answer to the passion in my soul, while also helping to heal the scars on it?  Where would I find the guy that is so willing to share himself? Every time I go see a romantic movie and the guy professes his love, I often thought about how the man I would marry would confess his to me.

The truth is my ideal confession changes. I see things that changes my mind almost daily. The one thing I know is that words simply aren't enough. I have a lifetime filled with empty words. People saying the things a person wants to hear without thinking about the ramifications for that person when they realize those words were just empty. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I don't know about every one else,  I don't mind my love story having bumps in the road, but i am a person that has no tolerance for disappointment. Not saying that all disappointment is weighed the same, but there must be moderation. I can't see myself with someone that is not careful about my feelings. A person that is fine with disappointing is not worthy of me. I am not perfect, but I know I deserve better than a life filled with disappointments in love.

After finding a man that is going to fight for the things that I am afraid to even admit that I want out loud. A man that will have my best interests at heart, he will search for the right method to profess his love, and he won't make me wait years of my youth to get it either. And this is where I get to the heart of the mystery. As a romantic woman, and a creative person by nature, I often think about that one moment. The moment when my life has turned into my very own love story. So for reader's I will write the fantasy had once held really close to my heart.

Lena had been sitting in the same spot for the past 12 days, alternating between deathly calmness and overwhelming sadness.  Her mind was trying to convince her heart that it was really over. Trying to stop her heartache with reason. This was for the best. Yes, the pain was almost unbearable. The only consolation she had was the knowledge that it was better to end it now rather then wait for him to finally realize he didn't want her after wasting years of her life. It was better to accept the writing on the wall. He was never going to give her what she wanted so why wait any longer? But it hurts.

Lena didn't want to think of which hurt worst, the betrayal or being strung along. She knew. She wish she didn't, but she knew. And so the hours since she had dredged the strength to finally end this charade, passed in this way. She was done with all pretense. Too bad that strength of knowing did nothing to stop the ache in her chest. Lena decided it was about time to take her daily shower, no matter how depressed she is, she would never sit in filth. Besides, the shower can help to mask how tears she has cried. She always thought she had cried out her last tear only to be proven wrong.

Lena emerged from the shower refreshed, to hear the incessant knocking at her door. Lena wasn't expecting anyone to drop by, so she silently crept up to the door to look through the peephole. What she saw beyond the door made her heart slam into her chest and do back flips all at once. Lena covered her mouth to keep from making a sound as she quickly backed away from the door. The pause in the knocking caused her to look back through the peephole only to see that he was still there. The sound of Lena's cell phone ringing almost made her scream, but she quickly crossed to living room to stop the sound.

Dan's voice travels through the door, "Lena, I can hear you. I know you're there. Please open the door." Lena doesn't move. "I'm not going anywhere until I see you." Dan says much to Lena's disbelief. Lena had years of Dan's unwillingness to do anything she wanted if it inconvenienced him or would injure his pride. Waiting outside a door with her neighbors walking by was an inconvenience and a blow to his pride. He would eventually tire of waiting and leave.

Time seem to inch by but hours had passed, even though he had stopped knocking and stopped calling, Lena knew he was still there. The voices of her neighbor speaking to him as they passed her door kept her aware of his presence. The sun was setting, but Dan showed no sign of leaving. Lena sat on the floor next to the door with her head resting on her knees.

"I wish there were words I could say to fix this. Words that could make you trust me again. Words that would show my sincerity. But I had the entire drive here and 12 days before then to think about it. I have already given too many words. You had years of my words and actions not lining up. I was just fortunate you didn't decide to leave me sooner...So I won't give you any more excuses as to why I let you down, and why I didn't treasure you. I just want the chance to show you. I don't want to go another day with you in one city and me in another 5 hours away."

Lena raised her head off her knees. Her heart starting to beat wildly out of control almost to the point of bursting. Dan's voice continued to travel through the door. "I want to show you that I am ready and I can't do that 5 hours away. So even though it doesn't make sense to completely up heave my life, it just feels right. There was nothing there for me anyway, and if I am going to have a regular job, I can get one closer to you. It doesn't matter where I am, I just know I need to be there with you. Please say I haven't lost my chance with you."

Lena had stood up from her position on the floor. Tears blinding her and her knuckle in between her teeth to stop her from crying out. It was Dan's soft barely perceptible "please" drifting through the door that had Lena slowly open her front door. Dan stood out of the door, looking at Lena in her robe.

"I need you in my life. And with God's help, I will be a man worthy of you. I'm so sorry that I made you feel like the top of the list. There is no list. There's only you, the only one." At this, Lena rushed into Dan arms with tears overflowing as he crushed her to his chest. And this time, when he said "I love you," Lena's heart rejoiced because she knew those words to be true.

Used Car Salesmen

I know it’s not fair to ask why men date younger women. I could go on a feminist tangent of why a patriarchal society has brain washed both sexes that younger is best. But I think of it differently now. It’s like having a car with so many miles on it. No matter how many good times and road trips you’ve taken with it, if the right opportunity presents itself you still will go and buy a newer and less used car.  Not that new equates best, but sometimes new requires less work.

As a woman, the older I get, I am getting further away from being the young, hot thing. I know when I was younger, I complained about all the men my age not speaking up and only being hit on by men older than me. Being told that it’s because women mature faster than men, meant that I would be better served setting my romantic interests on a man older than me. It didn’t really concern me unless the man trying to hit on me was old enough to be my daddy. I just went out for fun, knowing that I had time to think about getting married when I was older. But I am still unmarried and getting closer to 30.

Knowing that I want to get married someday, it would be a lie if I said I was not concerned by what men think of women still single after 30. I have heard that women that are still unmarried after the age of 30 are seen by men as having problems not worth dealing with. This saddens me because it is such a double standard. A man still single after 30, has goals and standards. A woman still single after 30, has problems. I was venting one day about the unfair points of being a single woman after the age that society says you should be settled by, when my brother put a different spin on.

My brother said men know exactly how many “bad” men are out there, even though they act unaware. The nice guys have these men as friends themselves. The nice men hear how about their friends dealing with women knowing they have no serious intentions towards them. But “Man Code” is strong. They can only say to their friends “Man, that’s F*cked up.” Not interfere. So men know exactly how many women their friends could have gone through before finding a woman they want to settled down with. So when they look at a woman over 30, they start to think of if their dating experience is like theirs. How many of those bad men have come and gone in this woman’s life? Is it possible that this woman has been so thoroughly used that she is jaded?

Men think these thoughts and decide for themselves whether that woman is worth the effort. I hate to keep comparing women to used cars, but the comparison works. As a person looking to buy a car, you shop around. You see an old 1970’s Challenger, you fall in love at first sight. You are already thinking of how cool you’ll look in it once you get it to mint condition, but you see that it will take a lot of time, and effort to restore it. Then you see the newer model. You add up the mental calculations and you realize no matter which car you choose, you’ll end up spending the same amount of money roughly.  The only difference between the two, is that one is ready to drive off the lot, while the other will be a labor of love on the weekends just to get to drive. The truth is most people would chose a car they can drive right then, I know I would. With the economy the way it is, I would want a dependable car that’s ready now.

Now lets use this in dating, I am a man that knows that it’s highly possible that the women my age has been used by other men. I say used, because that’s what has happened. The men in their lives used the women without any intentions of marrying them. I know you can test drive a car, but that’s around the block. Women tend to let men test drive them for years before the man finally admits he has no intention of buying. If you were selling your car, would you let the person test drive the car for years without buying it. No. It wouldn’t make sense. Why get the benefits if you don’t want to buy it?

My mom has said “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?”  I know when I was younger, it didn’t really compute and being from the city, I really dislike adages that compared me to farm animals. I am so apart of “Try before you Buy” age of marketing. It’s sad that this must even apply to dating. My closest male friend says he wouldn’t even think about marrying a woman before he has lived with her. I still can’t believe how adamant he is about this.  She has to jump through all those hoops before you’re even willing to consider marriage. So where does that leave her when you have taken years of her life, and you realize you don’t? She’s closer to the used car lot and she has never even been bought. So selfish.

This is where I want to give women something to ponder on. How many miles are you willing to let a man test drive you? You know what you want. Just because a man is calling you his lady, doesn’t mean that you have been bought. It’s the difference between buying a car and leasing it. Are you willing to let yourself be a used car without having had one owner?  Will you buy me?

When the Sun Goes down…

I can pretend all day that I’m ok. Be all smiles, show no frowns but when the sun goes down… When the sun goes down, and no one’s around I give in. I give in to the thoughts that cause so much pain. I can cry out my sorrow. I don’t have to pretend I’m not affected. I can be mad. I can torture myself with the memories, and dreams.  I can miss your voice, touch, presence to my hearts content.  I can make believe that you are missing me as much as I miss you.  I can pretend you loved me, that you’re Facebook stalking me. That you’re looking at the phone wishing I would call. Each day that goes by gets harder. Each day I become more convinced that I really meant nothing to begin with. And when the Sun goes down, I want to give in to the desire to pretend. Find a way to make it be ok. Try to trick myself to believe in your lies again. Wishing in weakness that I can unlearn my knowledge, cause that’s how much I want to be with you. That my heart is willing to try to put the pieces back together just so you can shatter them again.

When the sun comes up, reason takes back over, saying I deserve better. I deserve someone who will treasure my heart. Why should I return my heart to the hands that have callously handled it before for a Third time.  How could I possibly even trick myself into believe it was a stupid mistake? With what words and actions could he possibly convince me that his heart is sincere? Where was all this sincerity before, when my heart needed it? Only after destroying it he is willing to bring out sincerity.  How many more, “I wasn’t thinking” excuses do I need to hear before my heart is willing to accept that it means “I wasn’t thinking, because I don’t care.” I don’t care enough to prevent myself from hurting you. I tell myself things you had to be thinking for you to treat me this way.

I will do what I want and if you get hurt in the process, I will try to fix. But only do enough to keep you by my side. I know you’re hungry for my love, but I will give you enough affection to sustain you. Not to nourish or satisfy.  I will use excuses like, “I don’t know how to open up,” or “I’m afraid to get hurt” to placate you. It will be the go to reason you keep in your head whenever I don’t fulfill your needs. But you will continue to fulfill mines in hopes that one day I will. These are the thoughts I tell myself you were thinking when the sun comes up and reason returns. Miss me?  I was just week three girl in the rotation. Every three weeks it would be my turn for you to act like you were really my boyfriend and wanted me.  The rest of the month was devoted to the others. When you didn’t call, when you were taking trips for “work” or to visit a “friend” you were just going to see the other girls in the rotation. I probably wasn’t even #1.  So why am I moping around? The facts of two years of my devotion weighed against your nonchalance should have been enough for me to end it. I shouldn’t have had to learn about the others for me to step away. I deserve 100 times better. I remind myself of my worth when the sun comes up, but it always go back down.

When the sun goes down, the only thing that matters is that I love you. Even knowing the reasons why I can’t allow my heart to accept you, I love you. Even knowing your heart was never there, I can’t deny that mines was. So when the sun goes down, I remember my love for you.  And it makes me want to cave in, especially after the thoughts of the day, but I can’t reach out of my pain to you. So I close my eye and feel the cold wetness of my pillow and wait for the sun to rise to bring my reason back to me.

Words VS Actions

My friend Tre, has been complaining about his single life saying he’s tired of screwing around. He says he’s finally ready to settle down into a real relationship. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to be willing to break the habits of promiscuity.  He says wants to build a good strong healthy relationship, but he always seems to fall into bed prematurely with the person. I know for men that sex is just sex. It’s not an emotional experience the way it is for a woman. So when Tre tells me he just met a woman that he is interested in and then a few days later he tells me they have slept together, its reasonable that I should be skeptical about his aforementioned desires.  His interest and the consummation of his interest has all happened within a week.  It’s when these things occur that I doubt Tre’s sincerity of being ready to settle down.
Tre is almost 30. He’s an attractive black man. He has his head on straight and his priorities in order. Now that Tre is saying he’s tired of screwing around, as his friend I immediately start to look for signs of a man that is seriously looking for a woman to marry. But then he pulls a stunt like this. Meet a woman and sleep with her all in the same week.  Since Tre’s a man, I can’t really look down on that cause it is socially accepted if not morally, but Tre’s actions seem to be contrary to what he has said.  He says he’s tired of screwing around but he seems to be doing just that.

Now, I know Tre will not agree with this in the least, but I feel he’s still not looking for a serious relationship.  I think he’s just tired of chasing booty and just wants one booty to be available to him all the time.  This doesn’t mean he’s ready to say “I do.” I don’t even think he’s really looking for a woman to marry, because his actions say otherwise. He just wants an “In-house booty.” “In-house booty,” for those that have never heard the term before is the booty you don’t have to go out and hunt. It’s booty you go home to. Doesn’t necessarily mean they live together. It just means he doesn’t have to put that much effort into getting in their pants because they are already in a relationship. She will be a woman that will give him sex when he wants it and he will give the appearance of a marriage minded person in return. 
The reason I say this is because Tre’s habits in dating has not changed. Tre probably feels he’s old enough and having multiple partners is for young and immature men. He wants to separate himself from that group and I think he also wants the companionship of being in a relationship, and avoid the risks of screwing around. Plus he’s really big on cuddling.  Another reason I think he’s just looking for “in-house booty,” is because he keeps dating women much younger than him. In their early 20’s.  Women are often thinking about marriage. In most cases, the younger they are the further away it is in their future.  I know when I was 22 marriage was still a few years off and dating was just for fun. Now that I am older the way I date is differently. My expectations in a man are higher, because I am not just looking at who will be a good boyfriend for a while. I am looking at who will be a good husband for the rest of my life and who will be a good father for my future kids.  Tre’s actions don’t seem like a man searching for a wife or the mother of his kids.
Now Tre could prove me wrong. But for now, his actions are the opposite of his words. Do men feel that they can sleep with a woman on the within a certain amount of time and still see her as a possible mother of his kids and future wife?