There may be others who like to say they are spiritual and not religious, but this writer is religious. And my faith stands on the Word. Period. So even this sinning individual, still turns to Christ for knowledge and understanding. God gave me a better understanding of Him and love. And it all started with a prayer a few years ago when I asked God to show me what love is and to help strengthen my relationship with Him. I am very happy that God answers prayers. And before I even knew it I had started a relationship. I can’t say I made all the wisest or best choices while in this relationship, but I do know that I love him. The reason I know that I love him is that the realization came to me as my heart was breaking. I wasn’t even thinking about love and was taking it a day at a time when I had to face myself honestly. No denial, no fear, just acceptance. And it leaves me with a feeling of awe at the knowledge that I love him. But then when I look at him and began to wonder about how he feels for me. The pain is so… so painful. I can’t really describe the pain, but how would you feel? How would you feel if the one you wanted to know completely seemed to lack the desire to know you? How would you feel if the person you had given so much of yourself to was still holding back themselves? How would you feel if the one you would deny yourself for wouldn’t be willing to inconvenience themselves in the least for you? Don’t go too far, I am not saying that the man I love for is so uncaring, but when doubt creeps into the mind you see shadows even in light. I can’t trust on my own sight so I just ask God to enlighten me. I can’t trust my own heart, because the heart can be swayed by feelings instead of truth. Jeremiah 17:9
Before you start to get confused about not trusting my feelings but yet knowing my love is true being a contradiction, let me explain. It’s quite simple. Love is not an emotion. Just sit and think about it. You love your parents and siblings, but they make you angry, they make you happy, they make you feel a whole range of emotions before your life will end. So how could Love be an emotion? I don’t know about others but I have never managed to feel two emotions at the same time. One always wins out after some consideration and takes over. And if that isn’t enough for you to chew on, chew on this. 1 John 4:8. How can love be an emotion when the bible says “…God is love.”? So with all these emotions swirling around and the knowledge that I do love him, I began to wonder why am I feeling like I should give up. And as that thought was starting to sink its teeth into me. I was awoken by my sister and as I encouraged her, I found myself reminded of God.
If you think about it, the relationship between man and woman is supposed to mirror the relationship between God and the church. Instead of focusing what it should be like, I found myself wondering how God feels. God has all of creation and his masterpiece, mankind, is too selfish to love him. I know I am far from being able to love in the same capacity that God loves, but I am trying to be as close as possible. He has done so much for us, given so much for us, sacrificed for us as well, but most will never acknowledge how selfish they are, even the ones that claim they love him. I began to see this even in my relationship, the selfishness of my partner. Knowing that he doesn’t see it himself. Does that stop me from loving him? No, but I am comforted by the fact that it hasn’t stopped God from loving us. I know that my partner is in a place right now that a lot of people are. He wants to care for me the way he wants to and not how I want and yearn to be loved. But most people will try to say to themselves he can love you even without showing it. God doesn’t accept that form of caring so why should I? God clearly says in John 14:15 “If ye love Me, keep My commandments.” He also says, “…O vain man, [that] faith without works is dead” in James 2:20.
I am very understanding of this selfishness. I was selfish too. I was in this exact stubborn place, thinking that the way I wanted to show how I cared for a person was enough. Even feeling frustration and anger towards the people I care about when they would let me know it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t until I was faced with the emptiness inside that couldn’t be filled. The despair of loneliness killing me. Wondering how I could feel this way when so much in the bible says that I shouldn’t. Then it hit me one day, while out eating with my favorite teacher. He made a simple statement. He said, “It’s basically as if God gave you a basket of fruit, and then asked you to give Him an apple out of the basket. You turn to God and say, “Naw, I really like apples. How about I give you an orange? It’s all fruit.”
With this statement in my head, I thought back to my teen years and my lack of love to my mom. My mom always liked to ask for the last bite of my sandwich. I always saved the best part of my sandwich for that last bite. I often said no. But feelings of guilt after denying my mom would take away the pleasure of eating the bite I was saving. So in order to forego any guilty feelings I began to ask my mom if she wanted a bite of my sandwich before I even took a bite. I even went so far as to ask if she wanted me to make her a sandwich before I made one for myself. There was times she would say yes and others she said no. I remember one particular time after her saying no to my offer of making her a sandwich. Just when I was about to take my last bite, she asks for a bite. Of course being disgruntled because after all my endeavors to ensure I’d have the last bite for myself she asked for it. I lashed out in anger. After I got in trouble and my mom put me in my place. I was feeling lower than dirt when she asked me how I could deny her anything after all she has done for me. She finally told me she really didn’t want a bite, she just wanted to see if I would give it to her. After that time, I always gave her a bite whenever she asked. Looking back I see all my selfishness. All my so called caring acts were really just my selfish desire not to share. I spent so much energy being selfish. I wouldn’t have had to waste so much effort if I had just gave in from the start. Did I not love my mom? The answer is obvious. I cared for her. When I realized I loved my mom, my selfishness began to melt away. This was how God revealed my selfishness and I see it in my partner. What can help? Nothing. God is the only answer and always has been. So keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that God is love, ask yourself. How can love not be enough?
I have more to say on this subject but for today I will have to stop here. I would like readers that this is what I have found to be true. This all stems from my thirst for truth. I don’t want to think I am right or believe I am. I want to know I am. I also want to share my thoughts with other and gain more understanding. I welcome all comments, even ignorant ones.
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