It's been more than a year...

So why the hell is my ex still showing up in my dreams? Still don't understand, how a person that I have lost all desire to be with can still continue to invade my dreams. Just like I deleted all physical evidence of his presence ever being in life, why can't my brain do the same as well? I have moved on, he is never in my conscious thoughts, so why in my dreams. I sure some psychoanalyst will go on about some lingering desires that I have yet to address. But I can assure you, the only slight lingering desires I have towards him is how to get my expensive gifts to him back. That is all.

My Vision Inside His Vision

I was out to eat with some of my sister's friends. There were married couples with single ladies so it's not surprising when the "how to's" for "I Do" came up.  I can't recall the guy's name but when asked how do you find a man to marry, he said something so profound that it stayed with me since. He said that your vision for your life should fit inside of his vision for his life, because you have to submit to him. When he said this it clicked a lot of things together for me and made more sense of why my last relationship failed.  This man explained that it would be impossible for you to go forward together as a couple when your dreams are greater than his dreams.  Either you will end up emasculating him throughout your relationship or you will start to hold yourself back from your dreams so as not to outgrow the man you want to be with.

When he said this, I started to see myself with my ex. Continually trying to push him towards bigger dreams while stinting my own growth. So our relationship was doomed even before infidelity was revealed. I wish I had known this from the beginning. But God has a way of teaching you the things you don't know in order to prepare you. So, I do believe I am still being prepared. For what I don't know. I just know I will keep focusing on my dreams and one day God will send me a man that my dreams can fit inside of. Because I am learning daily that it takes much more than feelings and desire to have a successful relationship.

A conversation after Breaking Up

"I didn't throw him away."

"What did you do then?"

"I broke up with him."

"So you dumped him?”

“Yes”

“Where did you dump him?"

"…In the trash."

"So you threw him away."

"Yes, I guess you can say that."

"I don't fault you for throwing him away, he showed himself to be trash. But why don't you want to accept that you're the one that threw him away?"

"Because if I threw him away, why do I feel so worthless?"

"Two reasons, you're very good at dogging yourself out and because you have real feelings for him."