I Miscarried a Dream

I don't usually place too much importance on the dreams I have in sleep. The reason being that I am a lucid dreamer, I am always aware that I am dreaming. Even as a child, whenever monsters would invade my dreams, I would simply change the channel. As I got older changing the channel from one unpleasant dream to a more pleasant one became lame and I would often be a one woman army in whatever monster dream my brain kicked up. The ironic part is that my dreams are so vivid and realistic that I even feel pain, yet I am always aware of it not being real. When some odd occurrence keeps happening in various dreams, I get curious as to what that one thing could mean.

Last week, I had a dream. It would have been a nightmare, if I wasn't aware of my dreaming state. In my dream, I am held captive by a monster. I am waiting for my husband to come get me. I can't say rescue me because I am always the baddest b in dream land. But yet I wait for my husband to appear. Now for me the unpleasant part starts when my husband shows up and he looks like my ex. I remember thinking at this point "God, Why are you in my dream?" I don't wake myself up or change the channel just out of curiosity. So I am escaping with my husband that looks like my ex all while being very careful not to hurt myself. Which is very odd, because I am usually such a bad ass. So in our escape from the demon's lair. We reach a point where I must jump down to get away then my ex beside me tells me to jump quickly. Then my dream self stares at my husband/ex. While he urges me to make a jump that wouldn't hurt me anyway but his lack of care strikes a nerves. Then I say quite clearly, "You are not my husband." At this point he looks at me and says, "Yes I am. Now hurry and jump before the demon finds out you're missing." I don't move, and respond, "No, you're not. How could you be my husband when you have no concern for the wife that has been threatening a miscarriage."  My ex doesn't respond, but he smiles. Smiles right before turning into the demon that captured me. The rest of the dream is of this demon trying to catch me.

When I told my sister of this dream, she thought it was scary as hell. She really does think of my ex as a monster that was out to destroy me. She always brings up the fact that immediately after breaking up with my ex, my life got way better. Job offers in my career. Making more money. It's very clear that if the sky should fall and I completely forget all the wisdom I have gained, my sister will be the loudest voice in reminding of all the good reasons my life is better without my ex. I was shocked that she would think of my dream as so scary when I definitely didn't.  Something in the dream made me a bit curious though. There was one aspect in my dream that was present in others before while I was still dating my ex. That aspect is miscarriage.

In other dreams, I would wake up in a bed with my ex laying next to me from severe cramps and blood in between my legs with a deep sense of loss. In my last dream, I didn't have a miscarriage but I was fighting against the demon to keep my pregnancy and right before waking I was carrying my baby on my back while escaping with my real husband. It was this aspect of miscarriage that had me looking up the meaning of miscarriage in dreams. After looking it up, I now know why my dream was so horrifying to my sister.

If pregnancy in dreams represents creativity, what does a miscarriage mean? I looked it up, miscarriage in dreams is the loss of something precious like a relationship, opportunity or a creative idea that never reached fruition. This specifically applies to me, because anyone that knows me will say I am a very creative person but for the last few years what have I actually created. What had I accomplished towards my career while I was so focused on being with my ex? The answer is nothing. I didn't start to put all my energy into my dreams until after "I got rid of the parasite that was sucking the life out of me" as my lovely sister would say.

So I plan to protect my dreams like a mother protecting her child. Passionately and tirelessly from those that would make me lose them. I am not so young that I can afford to miscarry any  more dreams.

Response to online Soapbox Preachers

It's been awhile and I have been sporadic with my blogs. I apologize especially since my New Years Resolution was to write everyday. I have been writing and I have a few projects that I am working on that make it hard for me to keep up with the blog. Plus I don't won't all the drama of the work place to find it's way on here. That would not be very good.

This morning while checking Facebook, I see an acquaintance's status that is practically a dissertation on how women should be treating their men. This wouldn't really annoy me if this was not a constant theme of his. I almost got real ugly and post a comment asking, "If you're so great and you know how to treat a woman, why are you still single?" I admit there were a few statuses in the past that I was ok with, but now this seems like a bitter man that can't find a woman that will treat him the way he feels he deserves. And out of his bitterness, he feels it's necessary to get on his online soapbox and preach about how women aren't doing their part and need to do this or that. This pisses me off.

I hate the fact that everything he says targets women directly, and it would come off edifying if there weren't so many quips at women. Anyone who reads my blog, can tell I recently ended serious relationship. Rather than focusing on what my ex did wrong, I examined my faults because I was also accountable. I didn't stand my ground when I should have, I didn't leave when the signs said it clearly to everyone else that I should. I explained how his actions changed me and helped me grow. I didn't get on my soapbox and start telling men what they are doing wrong and how they really need to treat the women they say they love. I really don't care about wrongdoings to that extent.

I feel when people address the root of their problems, the way they treat others, especially their love ones, will be corrected.  It's a personal journey I had to take myself, so why would I tell people about their wrong decisions and try to correct their behavior through nagging. We all know nagging accomplishes nothing.  It doesn't even work on children. So why would nagging work on adults.  The only animal that you can train is a dog. You can show a dog what to do.  Then with words and reinforcement, they are trained to respond just to a word, phrase or tone.  Humans don't work that way. Humans can clearly know something is wrong and still do it. So knowing something is wrong changes nothing in people's behavior. Humans must see the fault, examine it and understand its origin before they can change.  

Is the Gay Rights movement leading to Religious Persecution?

I had to think about this for such a long time before actually sitting here and writing this. I would be wrong if I didn’t say there was a little fear of the public reaction to it, but I have some thoughts that I really need to share and also get some real feed back on. This is the internet so I am sure there will be ignorance and hate that will be started because of this, but this is obviously something that needs to be thought about.  In recent years, there has been a lot of debate on legalizing gay marriage. In more recent news the CEO of a well known Christian restaurant chain was asked his opinion on Gay marriage.  The public’s reaction to the obvious answer has raised more questions to a national dilemma.  Where is this leading our society?  Could religious persecution be next?

I have read the reasons behind the Gay Rights movement. As an American citizen I do understand the appearance of their rights being infringed upon.  I read about wills being discarded, custody being taken away, the health insurance and many others. But reading the poignant stories, I ask how are these situations unique to the Gay community?

Everyone knows about the dispute between Anna Nicole Smith and her step son, over her husband’s will. The custody battles over a deceased partner’s kids with their family is nothing new either.  No matter who you are, most people feel more comfortable when their blood is being raised by blood (we have all heard the scary step-parent stories). There have even been times when family has interceded to take custody away from biological parents when the parents are seen as unfit.  So on these stories, I don’t see anything particularly unique. It’s just one American using his right to question another American’s right to an estate or custody of their sister’s kids.  On the health insurance thing, now that is something that is unique.  I don’t understand why you can’t add whoever you want to an insurance you are PAYING for.  As a consumer in a Capitalist society, this really doesn’t make sense, even without bringing gay rights into it.

Now let’s look at the opposition.  What are all these bible thumpers against? As a Christian myself, I have been very confused on the gay rights issue.  I do not like the unfairness that homosexual people have to face, but I also do not agree with the lifestyle or the tactics that are being used either.  I feel like this is a pill that I am being forced to swallow.  Why is it ok for people to flaunt in my face something that I think is wrong, but I am not able to say that I think it is wrong? 

The only things I can’t have an opinion about are the things that I don’t know about.  My mom raised me a certain way. I know that if I do something that she does not agree with, once she knows about it, she will tell me her opinion.  That also means that things that I don’t want her opinion on, I keep from her knowledge.  It’s the same for almost every one I know and have met. As soon as they see something they don’t agree with, you know it. Smoking is wrong. Drinking is wrong. Sex before marriage is wrong. Wearing fur is wrong. Homosexuality is wrong. Abortion is wrong.

However I am starting to see a train of thought that is tainting everyone’s actions and reactions.  “Drinking is wrong. John drinks. Therefore John is bad.”  The thought that people are judging them when they are told something they are doing is wrong, makes it obvious that if you don’t want to seem judgmental, keep your opinion to yourself. Honestly speaking, for the most part, that is true.  No one is perfect but we like to weigh our wrongness against the wrongness of others. It makes us feel better about ourselves.  I may be “this”, but at least I’m not “that”.  Unfortunately, it’s the imperfect “Christians” that are the loudest to point out someone else’s wrong.  The saddest thing is that they are less forgiving of gay people than they are of murderers, thieves, prostitutes and gangsters.

I have to admit that before I read on the Gay rights movement, I was taking a rigid standpoint. I saw only the fact that all the flamboyant people want to force me to accept something as right that my religious beliefs say is wrong.  The tactics of the Gay rights movement had me on the defensive.  Like I had to not only protect my beliefs, I had to assert them.  In spite of the fact that I have associates and people that I highly respect that are gay, I was rigid about it.  Never had a discussion with them about it because I know we would disagree and I didn’t want heated words to ruin those relationships. Fortunately these people were discreet about it. I know they are gay and they know I know.  It’s not to the point of cross dressing. It never becomes a point of discussion, because their discretion makes it obvious that I am not privy to their personal business.  I respect them more for that because I feel their respect for me.

However not everyone is as respectful of other’s decisions and opinions. So with the Gay Right movement in full swing, does anyone else feel that America is only a few Radicals away from religious persecution?

An Unusual Hindsight

This is an usual topic. We all accept things about a person after we have taken off the rose colored glasses.  But some of the things we start to accept after it’s over can be scary and alarming.  We look back at them, then look at ourselves and think, “Was I really that stupid?” And the sad part is that the answer is often “yes.”  A few days ago while helping a friend out by giving a massage, I was asked if I had ever given my ex one (according to him I should be charging).  When I replied “No.” I was asked “Why not?”

There were a lot of things I wanted to do that I didn’t do with my ex.  The reasons behind me not doing could be any number of things. But that was not the focus of this conversation with my friend. It was not even a few minutes later that he asked a question, that I now realized he had asked me before.  The question rephrased this time was, “How shocked would you be to discover that your ex was sleeping with men?”

I replied right then and there that I would have been very shocked. It was impossible that my ex was gay.  When I got alone and thought about all the other questions this same friend had asked. I realized that each time I thought better of my ex, it turned out I was wrong.  He asked me if I thought my ex was thinking about proposing, I said “yes.” I was wrong. He asked if it was possible that my ex was cheating, I said “no.” I was wrong. There were plenty of other questions too and I was wrong then as well.  So when I got alone and thought about it. I had to admit that I wanted to judge everyone by a better standard than is realistic. The fact that this friend has met my ex and asked this same question before I have to think it’s possible he saw things that I didn’t want to examine.  He definitely called the cheating.

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that it is possible.  I am done thinking the best of people when they have proven otherwise. It’s time I label their box correctly. So yes, hindsight now says that all the bad and inconceivable things I refused to consider before are now possible.

Soul Ties

I have heard this term quite often growing up. It was usually preceded by the word “unholy” and my mom’s go-to reason for not having sex before marriage.  She always said sex before marriage creates unholy soul ties.  These soul ties were things to be avoided at all costs. You never know what bad things another person is carrying in their spirit until you have to carry it yourself all because you opened yourself up to them. Now this soul tying has a different meaning to me that goes beyond the left over lust you may have for a person you’ve slept with.

Have you ever placed  someone at center the of your spirit?  It wouldn’t be too far off to say that your world revolved around them.  You practically live, sleep, eat and breath them.  You pray for them. You pray for their happiness. You pray for their well being. You pray for their increase. You also pray for your relationship with them. You pray for your patience with them. You pray for understanding. You pray all the prayers that should help you and that person be together.

When you’re not praying for them, you are bending over backwards just to make certain they know how much you love them.  Trying to be a well of happiness, peace and love that they can draw strength from to face another day in the harsh world.  Even while trying to be their everything, it’s not to the point where you have completely lost yourself in them. You have a sense of self. It’s just a self that has been wrapped around another person. 

This is a person you carry in your spirit. It goes beyond mental obsession and physical lust.  Even when the body stops longing and the mind admonishes against the very thought of them, your spirit still holds onto them.  There is no emptiness.  There is just yearning.  You yearn for the day that they take up less space in your spirit so there will be room for someone else. Someone that you can have a future with.

Would you take him back?

It’s been a few months since the end of my relationship. A mysterious package in the mail (that turned out to be from my LS), had today’s topic be what would I do if my ex showed up and wanted to get back with me.  To the extent of “the professor” giving a very in-depth scenario of what he would do to make me feel special if he was my ex and was trying to win me back.  Honestly the things “the professor” said he would do brought tears to my eyes. This stuff were the things women dream of. Just the ticket and if my ex had done these things for me, it would have taken me a LOT longer before realizing he didn’t love me. “The professor” was of the opinion, that I would cave in only a few days.  I, of course, was of the opposite opinion.

Most men would say I am either being stubborn, playing hard to get, or trying to make him suffer. If I was still in the healing phase, one of those answers would be true. I will be honest that one of those answers would have been true all the way up to last week. Right up until I wrote my last blog. The difference between now and last week is one simple epiphany.  The epiphany was that he DID CARE for me.  It’s confusing I know.  During the last 6 months of our relationship, I had started to convince myself that he just didn’t care about me. That I was just a time filler. When the things came out as they did, I didn’t need to convince myself. I knew it. So if he did show up and started to show me he cared, I would have been skeptical, stubborn, but moved.  I would have eventually went back to him, just for the cycle to continue. So what event caused this realization?

I was at the book store last Monday with my best friend.  He has been reading Steve Harvey’s "Think Like a Man, Act like a Lady” at the book store rather than buying it himself. He was telling me that majority of the stuff in the book was real. Not all of it, but at least 90%. This may be a shocker. But, I had never read this book. Honestly I have never even had the desire to read it. But when my friend got a phone call and set it down, I picked it up out of curiosity and boredom.  I didn’t read it all. Just skimmed through. I read one section about the signs of how a man shows he cares.  Reading it, I grudgingly accepted that my ex did care for me.  I didn’t want to because that made me feel worse.  He cared, but we still didn’t work out.  I still was unsatisfied in our relationship.

So why does knowing he cared changes my reaction to him showing up and showing he cares?  Because I have no doubt that he cared for me, it’s simply not enough. It’s not what I want. I want someone who LOVES me. Not someone who CARES. Even if one day he wakes up to the knowledge that he lost something great, the only thing he can do is look for someone greater than me and do things right with her.  Sorry people but the harsh reality is this, some things are irreparable. So with that in mind, I hope everyone starts living life like there IS a tomorrow and one that you want to ENJOY.

If you are in a relationship that is unfulfilled, what are the reasons that would cause you to leave and not look back?  Take away all thoughts of love that you have for that person, your feelings are obviously what keeps you there. What are they doing to keep you or make you want to leave? What circumstances would make you take someone back after you have broken up? Is there something he/she could do to give them another chance?

Caring is not Love

I am out of my first serious relationship. My best Friend is always good to tell me, no matter how much it frustrates me, that no one ends up with their first love. He truly believes that first loves are a learning experience that teaches you what you can and can't live with. Although I do agree that dating does teach people what they won't accept in a mate, I am totally against the idea that no one ends up with their first love. I don't like this for a reason to why things don't work out. I would rather hear "It wasn't in God's will,"  before "First loves never work out." Too many place too many hopes on their first love if it is to be debased into something insignificant to get out of the way so you can get to better experiences in love and finally happy ever after. But this is where I get to the crux of my problem.

Before first love, "happy ever after" seems possible. After first love, "happy enough" is what we hope for. Call me a pessimist if necessary, but I can't seem to reconcile the idea of people in general with even the idea of being happy enough. This ties into one of my earlier blogs about when love may not be enough.  I watch people. I observed the lengths that people will go to justify their selfishness. I have seen people who call themselves christians, and profess so proudly that they love the lord, give all types of excuses as to why they can't do the things that are pleasing to God. I have been guilty of this myself. I didn't even see the selfishness of my ways until God revealed it to me. Although my relationship with my ex was not ideal and didn't have the ideal end, I am eternally grateful to the experience because I have a clearer understanding of the differences between Love and caring.  We can all attest to what love isn't. We know it when we see it. We know how love shouldn't look. But how many people can tell you the signs of love? Not the fake sense of caring, but LOVE. I prayed a very simple prayer and the wisdom and knowledge gained from it is immeasurable. I prayed for God to show me what love is, and He did.

I seemed to never get my ex to understand during the course of our relationship, that doing the things he was willing to do already, were not enough for me.  Through this constant struggle with him to do the things that were pleasing to me, made me understand that Love is selfless. It's not about what we want to give to the other, but about about what that person wants to be given. We understand that we are two different people with two different sets of wants and desires.  Even when I would tell him verbally, that its nice to feel the caring from the things he was willing to do, I would only feel the love when he started to do the things that I had said I wanted.  That doesn't mean that caring is not important, but it should be a precursor to the things done in love.

If I were to write down what I needed from a man to know I am loved, it would be a lot simple things that are simple to do. But people's unwillingness make it hard. And that's the biggest reason, why I can't even seem to hope for love with a man on this earth. I know plenty of people who can't even seem to commit themselves to loving God, their own creator, provider, and protector. So how can I begin to expect them to be able to love me? I know I am not greater than God, and I know my imperfect self will struggle to be able to love in the way God loves, but at least I am willing. But there are many that will give excuses to cover up their unwillingness. When I had a conversation with my ex about why he was unable to fulfill my needs, I asked profound questions that all people who say they love God but are not doing the things that are pleasing to Him should ask. I asked when does his reasons turn into excuses? When does it stop being unable and start being unwilling?

God revealed the simple, hard truth. It was always an excuse. He was always unwilling. The only thing that is a reason for a person not doing what they need to is ignorance. The simple, "I didn't know," is a frustrating but valid excuse in the beginning. But even that becomes an excuse after a certain point. There were things that he didn't know at the beginning of our relationship, but once made aware he did them. There were no excuses, he just did them. But when I begin to notice the other things I needed for progress went unaddressed, I would get excuses. Of course at the time these sound like valid reasons, but as time went by and no improvement, discontent settles in. I am not saying that a person will do things perfectly as soon as they are made aware, but you will see the attempts.  If no attempts, even clumsy ones, are made then you should know right then to run not walk. And even if a a clumsy one is not corrected, you should run. No one that loves you will give you crap and think that's enough. They will find a way to make it better.  "At least I tried," does not count as love. It just says, I cared enough to try, but not enough to do it right.

Look at the disaster of a love confession I received from my ex. I will say now, yes, he tried to please me. He made an awful first attempt and I told him as much. Maybe, I was too blunt or maybe he thought it was unnecessary for me to say that his love confession was unacceptable. But I told him that so he can learn and try again.  If I never spoke up, I would have been stuck with the crappy love confession after I had nagged him about making it verbal. I told him, needing and fully expecting that he would try again. He never did, he just kept throwing those empty, "I love you's" at me, to the point that I got sick from hearing them come out his mouth. I even stopped saying "I love you" to him, just so I wouldn't hear him say it in return. Did I stop loving him? No, my feelings were not dependent on how he felt for me. This event just caused me to put our relationship under the magnifying glass.  It caused me to see other things without the rose colored glasses.  This was definitely the beginning of my heartbreak, even though we didn't break up until almost a year later.


It took a while for me to accept that although my ex "cared" for me, he didn't "love" me. I did accept it, but even after accepting it, it still took a while before I ended it.  The end happened when I knew my love was wasted on him. It didn't stop me from loving. It just stopped me from showing. Ever heard "Don't cast pearls before Swine"? It is the best adage for relationships. Never give something valuable to someone who won't treasure it. And although Care is a good place to start, it will never be enough. And so I look at the caring people around me. I know they care, and that their caring is sincere. But it's not love. I want love.  I am a loving person. I will only be satisfied with another loving person. Unfortunately, there are not enough loving people in the world.